Happy BEETH-Day!
I can’t believe that this is yet another year without a true BEETH-day. Why is it that we only get a BEETH-day every four years? I mean seriously, we really need a Barn night one of these days. We can totally get hammered and dance on the bar barefoot.
I know what you all are thinking. I haven’t written shit in two weeks, and the best I can come up with is some damn back door BEETH joke. Well, what the hell do you want from me? I have been working like a mother pig having her swollen, sore teats suckled on by 25 horny little piglets. And yes, every time i think of engorged mammary glands I think of BEETH jokes. Remember our T-Shirts? The ones that said F.O.B (Friends of Beeth) or even the Roast Beeth T-Shirts?
In honor of my new offices, I really should give you guys a true taste of the top ten funniest things about work and why I find them so funny. If you haven’t heard my impressions, then you are an unlucky bastard because chances are while your back was turned I was making fun of you. But it was a good impression and you would have laughed. Editors NOTE: I am not referring to Lynn in any of these statements. I have tried my best to avoid insulting the cope in any way. None of this is an inside joke pertaining to her. END Editors note.
YEAH HOT.
So when are we all celebrating BEETH day? I haven’t spoken to her this week, but we totally need to take her out. (Does anyone know if the popcorn is done yet?) Oh and Happy Birthday to all of Eric’s kids. I know that one of them just turned 3 the day before my BDay! Ha ha, Chellee jokes all over tonight! And if you don’t know, once again, THE AMERICAN DREAM is really the father of all of your children. Just admit it to yourself, you all lusted after him and he fathered your children. Unfortunately he really can’t afford the child support, so you might want to see if Maury will take you guys on the show. Come to think of it, SHE did love that show right?
Wait, DID I make any illegitimate kids in Canada?
OK, fine, here are my favorite things about work. In my new office, in another town, with four monitors, two computers and a BEETH screensaver. OH, if you happen to be pregnant with my child and it is a girl, I would like it to be named Amy Beth Michelle. Thank you.
“You want a Salmon BEBE?”
OK, so picture the chicken place. Yes, we don’t go there anymore because it was by the old building. But it was this disgusting, dingy, nasty Portuguese BBQ joint. Churuscawhateverthefuck place. And the chicken was crazy good, mostly because it was probably a cat or something. We saw our fair share of screwballs in this place; “watches, CD’s” Korean guy, Jumpin Jumblies Girl, Maria “That IS NOT my baby”, Silvia, and Willow the Owner. But nothing has even come close to the waitress from the last year or so. She is maybe 5’ 8” tall and utterly GHASTLY. She’s got a nice body, with huge fake boobs. But other than that she looks like Chris Brown parked his Hummer on her face, and she has bigger hands than Shaq. What makes her utterly priceless is his senseless use of the word “Baby” at the end of every sentence. If that wasn’t bad enough, her accent makes it sound like a bad bad pair of French Jeans…”How are you, BEBE!” It’s kind of like saying “BAYBAY” really fast. Try it…Her funniest line bar FAR is “You want a salmon bebe?” Sure when you see it written it makes no sense but given the context you nearly shit yourself when you hear it.
“Can I have the Salmon?”
“You want a SALMON BEBE??”
“Yes, the Salmon. And a Diet Coke.”
“You want a diet coke Bebe?”
I am so going to miss her…
“Make a LEFT on FUCKING ROOOOSEVELT!”
Say it the correct way. “Make a left on Roosevelt”. Simple enough. Just follow the road until you see the Sign for Roosevelt Ave. and make a left. Nothing exciting about that at all. To understand why this is piss yourself hysterical, you need to know a few things:
- Every fucking road in Carteret is named Roosevelt. If you go any direction, you are on Roosevelt. Whenever someone gives you directions they inevitably tell you to take Roosevelt. The problem is that there are 12 Roosevelts. You will go through every stop sign and cross a Roosevelt. There you will follow Roosevelt and then you end at ROOSEVELT! So no matter what, you will be taking Roosevelt.
- The word is pronounced “Rose” ah-velt. Like the Presidents. But when the master of packaging puppets says the word it becomes “Roooos” ah-velt.
- So now we have the Latin accent, with the labyrinth of Roosevelt’s and we get the masterful phrase:
- “Just go left on FUCKING ROOSEVELT”
Once again you have to hear my accent on this one, because it is totally on the money. This line of speaking goes hand in hand with some others like:
“Let’s go to fucking DYNASTY” (The bakery on Liberty avenue called Oasis”)
“Let’s just have some fucking TUNA” ( Well we kind of just wanted to eat pizza…)
“YOU CAN’T NOT DO THAT!!” (Really self explanatory. )
“This is CRITICAL” and finally “I wan’t to cuuuuuuuummm!”
So now when you are in Carteret or your husbands are trying to track me down and kill me, remember that I work with Blake and Zach, former Sensei’s at Tiger Schulman’s. And keep in mind that if you are looking, all you have to do is make a fucking left on ROOOSEVELT.
‘
“The Cheeping” Department
Courtesy of my sweet shipping coordinator who joins the rest of my staff in saying “Prodoooktion” instead of “Production” But its not that egregious of a mistake when you consider that when the lady gets on the intercom and bellows into the 300,000 square foot warehouse, “Mike please come to the Cheeping department!”
I still have no idea where the cheeping department is, and apparently everyone else in the office feels the same way after asking one another where the cheeping department was. We still can’t find it. But we look forward to multiple trips to the Cheeping department in the future.
“Perry Ellis”
OK. This is where I point out that the people that have worked for me over the years have given me their heart and soul. they never took anything from me (well except that one). And these people are mostly bi-lingual. I can barely speak ENGLISH and they speak both. So it’s OK to make light of the fact that accents and trained tongues have a difficult time with certain words meant for the other language. In this case it is Perry Ellis. The double R should be rolled in Spanish as should be the Double L. In English, we have no super combo attacks. Sucks. But let me try and tell you what Perry Ellis sounds like in the Production office.
“PERRRRRREEEEELLLLISSSSS”
“Can you get me bill o materials for PERRREEEEELLLLLISSS??
“Sure, um are you ok? Do you need a lobotomy?
“Get Your Ass to Carteret!
Direct from Total Recall, we have the Swarzenegger of the classic film where instead of Mars, the main character goes to Carteret.
You blabbed Quaid,,,You BLABBED about CARTERET!”
“You got what you wanted now give Carteret Aaehhhrrrr.”
Finally, for now because I am BOMBED over here. I introduce you all to Blake. The man whom My brother has tried to kiss and hug for two weeks. Blake is 23 and a virtual virgin. Greg just wants to kiss him on the lips and prove his superiority. Last week, Nick was lusting over Blake’s lips and Blake heard his banter. He could only be sweet and smile back coyly. The next day, as Greg was leaving, Nick tried to leave him with a smooch, but Greg did not find this amusing. Joanne and Brenden had seen the act and now believe the two to be homosexuals. Good for me, bad for them.
I will finish these up tomorrow. Some Topics:
1. Sweater Dresses.
2. Leggings.
3. Prometheus.
4. How Jessica has become the sought after woman on Earth.
5. Is Domenika back yet?
OK,Night Night My BEETH Heads! We shall party ….
hide myself inside the shadows of shame
The silent symphonies were playing their game
My body echoed to the dreams of my soul
This god is something that I could not control
Where can I run to now?
The joke is on me
No sympathizing god is insanity, yeah
Why don’t you just get out of my life, yeah?
Why don’t you just get out of my life now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone, yeah?
Obsessed with fantasy, possessed with my schemes
I mixed reality with pseudogod dreams
The ghost of violence was something I seen
I sold my soul to be the human obscene
How could it poison me?
The dream of my soul
How did my fantasies take complete control, yeah?
Why don’t you just get out of my life, yeah?
Why don’t you just get out of my life now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone, yeah?
Well I feel something’s taken me I don’t know where
It’s like a trip inside a separate mind
The ghost of tomorrow from my favorite dream
Is telling me to leave it all behind
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Got to get to happiness, want no more of sorrow
How I lied, went to hide
How I tried to get away from you now
Am I right if I fight?
That I might just get away from you now
Sting me!
Well I feel something’s giving me the chance to return
It’s giving me the chance of saving my soul
Beating the demigod, I’m fading away
I’m going backwards but I’m in control
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Getting back to sanity, providence of sorrow
Was it wise to disguise
How I tried to get away from you now
Is there a way that I could pay
Or is it true I have to stay with you now?
How I lied, went to hide
How I tried to get away from you now
Am I right if I fight?
That I might just get away from you now
Suck me!
I’m really digging schizophrenia the best of the earth
I’ve seized my soul in the fires of hell
Peace of mind eluded me, but now it’s all mine
I simply try, but he wants me to fail
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Now I’ve found my happiness, providence of sorrow
No more lies, I got wise
I despise the way I worshipped you yeah
Now I’m free, can’t you see
And now instead I won’t be led by you now
Free!
