Things That Get You Banned From Chuck E. Cheese

 

  OK, no one told me that there was a new Lamb of God album coming out. Well, I figured it out myself, thanks a real bunch people. Now I can go back to my regular scheduled anti-establishmentisms. I don’t really believe in total chaos but it sounds like it might be a little bit of fun. I came to a few conclusions about how silly we as people can be. Like the idea of humans being able to coexist peacefully in a symbiotic society. That’s really fucking rich (Good place to plug Lynn’s blog and mention people who don’t wear pants). You really have a better chance of seeing me tuck my dick between my legs and doing the “Buffalo Bill” dance. Don’t get this shit confused either, I HAVE done that dance on numerous occasions. Sure, I never hunted down fat chicks and made a suit out of their flesh, but truthfully that is just because I’m lazy. I could totally dig that gig. I’ve never really worn makeup either. I had to dress up like a chick when I was pledging a fraternity (names and places to be kept a secret lest the guys start weeping uncontrollably), but I half-assed that too. I guess I half-ass everything, accept playing the outfield. I take that very seriously. If there is a fly ball within my reach, I am going to catch it. And if there is a remote chance that I will have to dive for it, I am diving. Actually, I just dive for everything. This is going to be a completely off the wall rant I suppose, not one sentence has fit in with the rest.

  I know you have all been upset with me. You wonder where I have been for a week. I apologize, last night I was going to blog, but right before I started, I decided to punch Rihanna in the face. I may be confusing myself with Chris Brown. BUT I do have some Grammy thoughts for you!

 

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work

 

 

 

1. Chris Brown knocked Rihanna the FUCK OUT before the show and they had to cancel their appearance. Suddenly we have this generations Ike and Tina! If only R. Kelly was there to piss all over everyone, and then Michael Jackson ran out, gave everyone Jesus Juice and then molested everything in sight. I’m not advocating beating up women. But I am making jokes about Rihanna getting her ass kicked. There is no way that girl couldn’t just squeeze that guys head till it popped with her big ass birthing hips and her tree trunk thighs. She makes Beyonce look like a 70’s supermodel with those things. I’m still waiting for the Keebler Elves to come running out of her thighs.

2. Robert Plant took his “I really wanna fuck that folk chick” gig to the next level. He had to record an album, go on tour, blow off Led Zeppelin, and win best album. Hopefully he finally banged Alison Krauss last night. I really hope so, because that album makes me want to cut off my own face. Do you know anyone that is listening to that “Raising Sand” album? Come on, be honest, because if you admit to thoroughly enjoying that lite-fm crap I hereby sentence you to one week of being locked in a padded room with Slayer blaring and nothing but a rusty butter knife to play with.  As for Alison, I can’t decide whether I would have put that effort in. Remember Bob Plant was in a band that was notorious for jamming dead fish into groupies vaginas. It’s not like he needed the help getting laid, although he kinda looks like one of Joe Biden’s sperm at this point, I still think he could have just gotten her drunk and played the “aging rocker card”. If she was that tough a nut to crack then she is definitely not worth it. And for what it is worth, my plan to become a movie star and bang Elisha Cuthbert (yes Mr. Avery I will take your sloppy seconds) was much more realistic being that I am not one half of the worlds greatest songwriting duos.

 

 

3. Thom Yorke of Radiohead is one creepy looking dude. I understand that you guys want to be completely different than everyone else, but um Thom, not only is your name weird, but so are you. I recommend a shave, a dentist, a louder microphone, some nicer clothes and a doctor. You are going to need a doctor to help you with those weird ass convulsions. For one split second there I though that you were mocking Jet Travolta and having a seizure. Don’t be a douche bag man. That’s just fucked up. “In Rainbows” is an awesome album, but like the last few Radiohead albums I have trouble relating to that stuff live.

 

 

 

 

4. M.I.A is not a hero, nor a role model for appearing last night in that weird ass dress. If you are 9 months pregnant, and about to pop at any second, go lie the fuck down. What the hell did she prove last night? She had backing vocals behind her anyway and she was off badly. I don’t blame her for being off, because there was NO way she was going to keep her breath during that performance. I can’t remark on the actual group performance, because like Radiohead, nothing was audible, including the rapping. That’s a slightly large problem considering that with Rap you sort of need to hear the lyrics. What I DID notice was that T,I., Jay Z. and Lil’ Wayne all had the same look on their faces when they saw M.I.A on stage…”I hope to FUCK that kid ain’t mine!!”

5. Speaking of Lil’ Wayne he was onstage a total of 653 times on Sunday night. Seriously. He was up there with the rolling butterball, and the inaudible rappers, did a duet with a honky, sang his outdated anti-bush song, creeped out my parents with his diamond teeth, sang “Mandy” with Barry Manilow, and lastly he fucked Alison Krauss on the green room floor after the show (thoroughly perplexing Bob Plant). Of all that, take a guess what my favorite Lil’ Wayne moment was? Nope, not Lieutenant Dan calling him LITTLE Wayne, but his acceptance speech for best rap album. Yes I can sum it up right here:

“ I would like to thank God, New Orleans, and you” as in the people who listen to him. That was it. Best. Speech. Ever.

 

6. Kid Rock sucks. And how can the Grammys actually nominate a guy who BUTCHERED not one but TWO classic songs. Do not our nations youth know of Warren Zevon or Lynryd Skynryd? HE’s a talented lad too. But that song is just broke. Doesn’t he have Hepititis C? Wait, do I have that? What does that do? I may have to google this one. There was this Thai hooker one time that smelled a little weird. OH this is a terrible place to make this assumption, but I have a new rule to add to my list of beliefs.

Fat Chick Pussies smell like Almonds.

  Have I offended all of you yet? I wonder who will google this page and make me laugh. Some weird religious site linked one of my pages a few weeks ago. Whackos.

 

7. Barrack Obama has got to want to kill himself. After listening to that President of blah blah rattle on about how Obama needs to give money to their arts projects he has to be ready to throw the towel in. In the current economic crisis I was totally agreeing that the most important thing for all of us is a new set of glockenspiels at P.S. 461. The most hooked up President ever says he was “tired” of being cooped up in the White House after 3 weeks. I told you that a cool guy is not the answer. We need a total tool box…somebody call Rob Siegelbaum quick!

8. Did you see me playing drums for Paul McCartney? I’m such a fucking stud. It’s times like these…

 

 

9. Hopefully the song “Sweet Caroline” is done FOREVER. It was like people were in shock to actually SEE Neil Diamond. What you didn’t know he was a goofy looking old man? Did you know that Bernie Madoff got to him too? I know the grammy people totally expected the biggest singalong EVER but they forgot that people in Boston sing that song, and everywhere in the world is cooler than Boston. And Neil, thanks for mailing it in by literally speaking the entire song. We could have hired Shatner and he would have donated to music cares just for the opportunity.

 

 

10. Alex Rodriguez took steroids. REALLY? The witch hunt moves into year 4 without one significant Red Sox player. The media just protects that city relentlessly. For the record, I could care less, obviously we just proved that steroids can’t get a hit in the post season. Who cares? I would like the other 103 names though. Actually the list will be like 95 with 8 names mysteriously removed and oddly no Red Sox on the list. Pretty soon David Tyree will be accused of having a helmet with Krazy Glue on it.

 

  If you offered me 25 million for one year, I would neuter myself with a koosh ball. So the answer is for 10 years and 250 million? I would inject myself with my cousins lipo-fat if that’s what it took. So fuck it, let Barry go and please stop this horse shit already.

 

A short one today. Because Chellee Bishop asked for one, Jen Eva is confused (forgive her she is blonde), Michelle Sarinelli has been sleeping over, and Janine Rufino is crazy. Oh and Amy, you got a really nice comment the other night, so I don’t have to mention you. But I just did anyway.

 

Out all night, till the break of dawn,
Once again you know you’ve done somebody wrong, yeah you did, babe,
And you know you’re gonna get what’s due,
One of these days it will all catch up to you
Chorus:
When it comes, its the big payback,
Don’t you know its the big payback
Broken hearts, you know you’ve made quite a few, yeah you did, babe,
Runnin’ around is all you want to do,
Livin’ fast, you say you never gonna stop runnin’,
One of these days, Mama, you’ll get whats comin’
Chorus:
When it comes, its the big payback,
Don’t you know its the big payback
Time will come for the big payback,
Don’t you know, its the big payback,
I tell you time’s gonna come for the big payback,
Don’t you know its the big payback
Big payback,
Big back,
Big payback,
Big payback