Attack of the Michelles! AAAAHHH!!

  Why not choose a snowy steamy night to talk about my biggest fear in life. I first noticed the large population of Michelles attacking me from all angles a few years ago. I never really thought much of it, but lately I have noticed that the Michelles have started to grow in numbers, and they seem to be getting stronger by the minute. The apocalypse is supposed to be coming in 2012, but I know better. The Michelles are going to take over the world much sooner. They are going to enslave us all and infect us with a weird penile disease. Even if you are a woman, if you are not named Michelle, you are going to have a penis attached to you and then you will be boiled alive in a humungous vat of pea soup. To add insult to this, all of the women with attached penises will be dead and all of the Michelles will impregnate themselves with the sperm of the men remaining to try and create a SUPER race of Michelles. Do you think I am insane? They plan to use the male babies for sustenance and name all of the girls MICHELLE. When they run out of men for sperm, they will breed males and name them MICHEL! But they will keep them enslaved and use rubber bands attached to their nipples to trap them. When they are of age, they will be milked and their sperm will keep the Michelles in power for eternity.

  “You think that you can stop us, but we have recruited the greatest Michelles of all time to help further our cause” claims Michelle Sarinelli. “I will eat your heart and devour your soul while building a giant statue of a Michelle in Central Park.”

 

  I can’t even imagine how much pain and torture will be caused by the Michelles. They really believe that they are capable of world domination. “I am prepared to use my body to achieve whatever goals are necessary, I answer to the one true lord of us all, Michelle Wood” exclaims Michelle Iacovella Bishop with her completely unpronounceable maiden name. “Don’t mock me, I will no longer even NEED to possess a surname! I will just simply be a Michelle, a perfect representation of the anarchy that we call our NEW SEXUAL WORLD ORDER"!!”

 

  I did get a few words out our new world leader, Michelle Wood who happens to be quite the charmer and somehow managed to convince me that being ruled by hot chicks named Michelle wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

 “I don’t know why Chellee has decided to sexualize everything, she tends to be such a pervert” Michelle exclaimed, “but I do know that we want to make the world a better place, one of peace, harmony and metal chick belts.”

 

  If you think all of this is some sick joke, maybe you should think twice. What is the First Lady’s name? Oh, you aren’t laughing anymore are you? I have successfully lobbied myself into the enviable position of Leader of Sperm Donors (because my name is close!). I shall help in impregnating all the Michelles who will be taking over the world. So whether you are a Wood, Iacovella, Bishop, Berry, Christian, Christou, Berry, Sarinelli, Pisano, Manicone, Moran, Mastrolacasa Caravella  (DUDE! That’s LONG!!), or Lakefield (I’m going to friend her…I need to get on their good sides); you will all be happy to know that I will oblige to the Michelle World Sexual Order.

 

  I wish I could help Janine Rufino out with her man problems, but simply put, I can’t.  And Jen Eva just called me and asked how much it would cost to change her name to Michelle. I have no idea. I called Amy and asked her what the legal ramifications are.

“Well, I have no idea! Why would I know about name changes? I’m a lawyer not a Jehovah’s Witness!” she claims.

 

  I’m not sure why she felt the need to tell me she wasn’t a Jehovah’s witness.

 

  Since this post has already deteriorated into one of those posts that get skimmed through and no one reads because they have no idea what I’m talking about…I would like to welcome Perseo Negri to Facebook. I am not even remotely convinced that he is actually writing things (it’s total Jessica shenanigans), but it is still a pleasure to welcome a man that not only beds Earth’s Hottest Woman 2007 and 2008, but someone who managed to defile a woman who is not only in print ads, but makes sexy pictures in Maxim. Oh, let’s post her pic to show how hot she is and make Jess mad for ever showing me this. As he reads this welcome, Perseo is being bathed by 15 beautiful Greek Women wearing nothing but grape leaves over their privates. I know this because he sent me a picture just to piss me off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  Do I really need to touch on the Super Bowl or the damned commercials? OK fine, Doritos wins hands down for best commercials. I will post them both because I’m such a nice fucking guy. The first one was funny because I totally saw the break the machine joke. I didn’t however foresee the “hit the boss in the balls joke”. That’s always funny. Hitting people in the balls is completely hysterical. In fact I’m going to post the video of people getting hit in the balls too. This was made popular by my wonderful Cousin Anthony who did a great job of embedding it on his MySpace page years ago. Of course MySpace is for crack whores and fat idiots now, and people who name themselves “The American Dream”. All this is coming from the guy who has a picture of the stuffed Pee and Poo as his profile pic, so who am I to talk. BTW I am coming up on 250 friends. #250 gets to rub me in baby oil and tickle me with feathers. Hopefully it’s a woman because I would get a little creeped out by a dude! Actually, I could go to 250 at any time. Those people that have their pages come in and out piss me off. And one quick shout out to the only person to openly delete me and get caught, Meredith Ring!

 

 

 

  There was a game? Shit, I forgot. Not the Eagles played against Not the Eagles. It was an OK game. But we all need to stop blowing the Steelers. They should have killed that team. And they still almost lost. You can’t let a 300 pound guy run 100 yards with no time on the clock. And you can’t take 40 million penalties. Come to think of it, at least Al Michaels said it when he said XLII was a better game. Too many damned penalties and sloppy plays. And not ONE mention of Brett Favre by John Madden?

  BUT! the most stunning event of the super Bowl (No not the mundane Springsteen performance), EASILY was the unsuspected hotness of Brenda Warner. Holy crap did she look good. The long hair made such a difference, and she has a pretty nice rack to go with it. I am totally floored. I suddenly had rooting interest in the game. I wanted to see more of her, just to make sure. But then of course that IDIOT Ben Jerkofflessberger has to go down the field and ruin it. I was so happy when Larry split the defenders and uncorked that TD. I thought we might get Brenda drenched in champagne. Maybe she would even give up her faith and take on the whole team! OK, that was uncalled for, but let’s be honest, Anna Benson ruined it for all of us. Sorry Brenda, sorry God.

 

So let’s do a quick recap:

 

1. Michelles are taking over the world.

2. Perseo is on Facebook and totally doing everyone.

3. Jessica is the BEEF MISTRESS. The timing on that couldn’t be any better. How many hot chicks do you know called “The Beef Mistress”?

4. I look like Dave Grohl which makes me Jen Eva’s pet passion.

5. Stacy is a serious contender for 2009 Hottest Woman Alive.

6. I never understand a WORD Michelle Sarinelli says.

7. Doritos rules because they expose women in nylons. And that Career Builder commercial will cause a seizure. I mean isn’t it funny enough that there are NO jobs out there, yet Monster and CB spent MILLIONS with their stupid ads?

8. Justin Tuck is a Schmuck. LOL. Ballet commercials? In 3-D? And Ray Lewis, that was not expected from the Baddest Man Alive.

9. Yay Steelers…or who gives a fuck?

10. Little Steven needs to brush his teeth.

 

Is that good? Huh? Cause if it ain’t I’m gonna come in there and break your other arm!!

 

OK, I’m out!

 

Anyone renting their house by chance?

 

Love ya,

 

Moo Shu Pork Guy.

 

 

Anthony works in the grocery store
Savin’ his pennies for someday
Mama Leone left a note on the door,
She said, "Sonny, move out to the country"
Ah, but workin’ too hard can give you
A heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack
You oughta know by now…
Who needs a house out in Hackensack?
Is that all you get for your money?
And it seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama, if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
Ohhh-ho, Oooh-hoo, Uh-huh, Mmmm-mmm
Sergeant O’Leary is walkin’ the beat
At night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mister Cacciatore’s down on Sullivan Street
Across from the medical center
Yeah, and he’s tradin’ in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack
You oughta know by now…
And if he can’t drive with a broken back
At least he can polish the fenders
And it seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama, if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
Ohhh-ho, Oooh-hoo, Uh-huh, Mmmm-mmm
You should never argue with a crazy mind-my-my-my-my-my
You oughta know by now…
You can pay Uncle Sam with overtime
Is that all you get for your money?
And if that’s what you have in mind
Yeah, if that’s what your all about
Good luck movin’ up, ’cause I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
Mmmm-hmmm, Oooh-hoo, Uh-huh, Mmmm-mmm
(I’m movin’ out)