Reflections of a Man Breaking a Jar in His Ass

It’s so damn amazing. We made history today. Mind you, this is exactly why every country in the world hates our guts, but we made history. Only America can be so pompous as to think that our history is the most important history in the world. I’m sure the millions of dead natives left in our wake would agree on how powerful this moment is. Yes, I completely understand that they got to open casinos, but something tells me that this was only a minor compensation. Now if you told me that all of their spirits got to roam the afterlife while staring at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs, I would totally disregard all of my previous statements, and long live history.

OMG THEY ARE SO….AWESOME!!!

I should clarify my feelings about Jesus Muhammad Mahatma Siddhartha Krishna Joseph Smith Moses Obama (He’s like all of the super best friends wrapped into one). This actually reminds me that all of you need to remember that there is only one way to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln, and that is with a giant stone John Wilkes Booth. As for Mr. President, I happen to really like the dude, and actually really like the first lady. I think if he wasn’t faced with the short-sighted progressive movement he would actually accomplish a lot. Given his speech today, it is clear that he is not one to be fucked with. This takes a lot of worry off my shoulders since there is no doubt that he will be tested sooner than later in the Middle-East (or anywhere for that matter). What I don’t like about him is the soap box standing, overly liberal idiots that are running around acting as if their agendas are about to be completely fulfilled. These are the people that are going to be the problem, when they don’t get their way they get quite annoying. I give it say 30 days for people to start screaming about the “war” and I would imagine that there is no point in trying to explain to people that pulling out of a country isn’t like “pulling out” of the MILF next door. Judging by how many illegitimate children there are out there, my guess is that you know nothing about that as well.

CHANGE!!!! OBAMA!!!

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/209726

I can’t stand Joe Biden. To me he is the Democratic Dick Cheney, a complete asshole. That stupid fucking smile of his is the most condescending smile I have ever seen. Leave it to this country to drop some scaly looking fucker from the most useless state in the union into the #2 spot. My apologies to everyone from Delaware, but if there was a corporate tax in the state it would have been flooded and used as a swampish breeding ground for those filthy scumbag Eagle fans (on second thought, long live Delaware!). I don’t know, I just don’t like the guy. I don’t blame Obama for picking some dingle berry that won’t get in his way, but the less I see of that “V” reject the better.

AHHH JOE BIDEN Peeling his FACE OFF!!

I’m glad the speech swung me into an Obama supporter, and I’m glad that most of you people with blinders on failed to really hear the speech. Here is what all the geniuses heard:

“My supporters, I am nothing without you. We will call all the troops home, abort our fetuses, smoke a ton of marijuana, declare world peace, send ice cubes to the North Pole, smoke more marijuana, legalize drugs, feed the homeless, drive RC cars and generally be the coolest country ever man. And I promise not to be Bush!”

Here is what REALLY was said:

“My fellow Americans, I AM the head motherfucker in charge. Do NOT think you will get your way, oh no, you lazy motherfuckers are gonna work with me. And as for all of you assholes around the world who think you are gonna play games with me…I have the Bloods AND the Crips on my side. Still wanna fuck with me?”

Let me just say that I loved it. I really did. I think he might just be the guy after all to get everyone to stop bitching, quit crying and actually DO something about the state of this country. Bush is gone, and so is your excuse to be lazy.  I will follow Obama, he can speak, and he could lead a line of Irishmen to an AA convention. He’s got a knack for this shit, and that’s what I feared he didn’t have. Now I am convinced that he was playing the game perfectly. I even think he might put this Hollywood shit to bed too. Imagine if their plan to rule the world backfired on them. I felt energized by his speech (best part is…all the people read: women, who are shaking their heads and disagreeing). I’m all for working together, I just don’t want people to be allowed to sit on their fat asses. There are too many good hard working people (including volunteers) who are fucked over by the lazy. Yes We Can! Get shit done together. I sound like a fucking liberal…although it is really a badly kept secret that I am pretty much Libertarian in my beliefs.

Wait, slap me in the face again. I totally forgot why I am so energized. Yes, it was because the Eagles tore out their fans hearts again. This will never get old. I’m not making an excuse for the Giants, but to go 12-4 and win the division without Osi, Strahan, and Plax is pretty good. Anyone who knows me would understand that the leader of the free world means much less to me than a good Eagle self-destruction. Philly can’t take enough abuse for that team. Between the idiot QB (you only pull off that “phone” move if you have the stones to win it all jackass), the fat pig coach (he looks kinda familiar), and the safety who gave himself the nickname of a white, Canadian super hero with metal claws, it is the perfect mix of lunacy. See the thing about blitzing like crazy is that guys like Fitzgerald and Burress will MURDER you in one on one coverage. And that’s why they suck my dick. Because they think that they are SOOOOO original by growing beards. They have only been doing this in the NHL for like 30 years. Which reminds me, can all the women from Philly shave their beards now? (Real time, I just changed my status). And was there record in the Philly hospitals for domestic violence this time? I doubt this was as painful as some of those home losses, but now that it’s over the roller coaster emotions I saw were amazing.

DONOVAN SUCKS! WE WANT KOLB!!

KOLB SUCKS! BRING BACK #5!

ANDY REID ATE MY SON!

I WANNA BLOW ANDY REID!!

THEY SUCK!!

WE STILL BELIEVE!!

OK WE WILL ALL RUN AND HIDE NOW!!

Try this Eagle fans…shut your fucking mouths until you win. I never said a word until the last pass dropped incomplete in the Super Bowl. If you would just learn that you are imbeciles, this wouldn’t happen EVERY year. Actually make this easier on all of us: Kill yourselves. Seriously. Mass, ritualistic suicide. OR, Mr. President, could you guarantee me that they will do THIS every year for the next 8 years? Because if that happens you will be bigger than WASHINGTON in my eyes. Let’s pretend that the Eagles are going to move to L.A. every year too. Or, just move them. What better punishment for our Hollywood “royalty” than an immigration of Philly dipshits? (Don’t pull this “World Champs” shit on me either. Fuck you and your baseball. It’s all about initials this year anyway…C.C. and A.J.)

Here is a hot button issue. What to do with Plaxico next year. I hate the New York sportswriters. I can do their job so much better. They are too busy trying to sell papers, and win lame awards to really speak the truth. We need that asshole, and he needs us. Assuming he doesn’t go to jail, he needs to come back. There is no one better available, no one that comes close to filling the need (unless T.O. gets waived, but this would be like letting Andy Reid into your refrigerator), and no team that can withstand the backlash of grabbing him. In New York he can repent and make good on his mistake. He can tour schools and give speeches about what an asshole he is. Then he can come back, lead us back to another big one and we can all be happy blowing each other again. He didn’t shoot anyone other than himself, so let’s build on this, as Herm would say.

I also–

Give Tynes his job back, and cut Carney. Pro-Bowl or not, I like to kick the ball a bit deeper than the 30.

Cut Pierce. I’m sick of his fucking mouth. He never shuts up, he’s constantly on the fringe of trouble (what team leader is out playing with strippers at 3 A.M with Plax, playing with guns, hiding evidence, and making up false names at hospitals?), not to mention the fact that he kinda sucks. He is awful in coverage (See Westbrook, Brian; or Faulk, Kevin), he doesn’t pursue well anymore, and he can’t time his blitzes anymore. There was a time when I felt we needed him, but there are some free agents available (no, not Ray Lewis) who can certainly play better ball at this point.

Let Ward walk. Can’t bring back both Jacobs and Ward. So keep Jacobs and Bradshaw and let’s see what he really can do. While you are at it, cut Tyree if he wants any sort of raise. He is below average receiver but an incredible special teams player. You can’t keep all these receivers AND Plax though.

Let’s See What Marshall Really Is.

Bye Amani. My second favorite Giant of all-time is running like he is Jimmy Hoffa. He will want to get paid. He can have San Francisco pay him. No offense to him, I will always love him, for both his play, and his charitable work, but the cap in football screams bye-bye to him.

Hire another Philly defensive coach. Oops, fucking morons already blew this.

Who am I rooting for in the Super Bowl? Jen Eva.

OK, maybe Arizona because they made the world safe again, they play in the stadium where dreams were made, and they have God on their side. BUT I do love Mike Tomlin, he is SO good on that House show.

Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin

Ahh well, time to say good night. I think.

Love Nick Guido for who he IS man!

Bye,

Me

There’s two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she’s daddy’s little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair
Walk beside the pony daddy it’s my first ride
I know the cake looks funny daddy but I sure tried
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every mornin’
And butterfly kisses at night
Sweet 16 today
She’s lookin’ like her mama a little more every day
One part woman the other part girl
To perfume and make up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair
You know how much I love you daddy
But if you don’t mind
I’m only gonna kiss you on the check this time
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every mornin’
And butterfly kisses at night
All the precious time
Like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly
She’ll change her name today
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her aways
Standing in the bride room just staring at her
She asked me what I’m thinkin’
And I said I’m not sure
I just feel like I’m loosin’ my baby girl
And she leaned over
Gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair
Walk me down the isle daddy
It’s just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy’s don’t cry
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every mornin’
And butterfly kisses
I couldn’t ask God for more than this is what love is
I know I’ve got to let her go but I’ll always remember
Every hug in the mornin’ and butterfly kisses