2008 Year In Review— Part III
I bet you’re wondering how I knew
’bout you’re plans to make me blue
With some other guy you knew before
Between the two of us guys you know I love you more
It took me by surprise I must say
When I found out yesterday
Yeah yeah, I heard it through the grapevine. The grapevine is so damn awesome it is sick. You can find out the worst shit about anyone or anything. You can even find rumors that have been spread about you that are so far off base that they make the Bible look like non-fiction (with apologies to all born agains). I’m going to try something different in this Part III of the most irrelevant blog of all time. I am going to count the “zings”. Now, on the word press site you will see it all in stunning 3-D clarity as I try to make the coolest and prettiest blog that isn’t written by a lesbian hippie with bad teeth. Whenever I drop an amazing “zing” you will see my running count. It’s up to you to decide whether the zing is about you or not. Rest assured, if you think it is about you, it probably is. But then again, you can almost taste my sarcasm hmm? It is just a tad more bitter than Ton’s jism which according to published sources (read: the Arab ninja who waxes his buttocks) tastes like rotten pineapple covered in douche (ZING 1). See that was simple, although I was a bit obvious in my zinging. Not only that but I just realized that zing is in the MS dictionary which means I can certainly use it to kick Lynn’s ass in Scrabble next week. Let’s just say at this point that I know some people that in no way can out spell their children (ZING 2). I mean when people are asking you who will learn to read first, you know you are pathetic. Ah but the happiness must be oozing from inside the already scaly skin (ZING 3).
Yes, the skin is scaly an unfriendly to the touch.
Before we move on over here I wanted to post a video of my favorite artist of all time: Sage Badweather. Note here…I was writing something VERY witty at this point. Then I realized that there was a chance that Mr. Bad Weather may have the ability to see who is linking to his videos and decided to respectfully tell Mr. Bad Weather that he is extremely talented and one of the more visceral artists of this generation. In fact I believe that he and Lynn should have had their own reality series in lieu of “Rob & Big” which clearly was meant to be watched by people with the IQ and social skills of common garden hose (ZING 4). As a service to Mr. Badweather’s talents I give you his most successful video where he STOMPS on Syanide and his poorly spelled name.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6fm8bwHiYk
I am listening to the “Best of Chicago: 40th Anniversary Edition” right now. Hotter than the Brett Favre dolls at Toys ‘R Us. I am apparently a self-hating fan and Tony is going to “Nanny Nanny Poo Poo” me this weekend. I just wrote that for shits and giggles. Shits on the bedroom floor (ZING 5). I can see the zing thing getting exhausting already but hey what can you do right?
The 40th Anniversary of making chicks melt
As promised, my list of amazing things to look forward to in 2009!!
1. The return of the kidney infection! Take a hot bath ladies. Screw like bunnies. Ignore that burning, itching feeling! It’s time to celebrate the long awaited return of the kidney infection. It’s never easy to go through life, but this year the kidney infection will put you back on the map as one of the hottest sought after commodities since the podophiliacs convention declared you “the biggest turn off in the history of sex!” (ZING call it 4 here so that’s # 9)
Your links for this section of 2009 can be found HERE:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foot_fetish
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kidney-infection/DS00593
Hot Baths,and Copious Violent Sex Be Damned
2. Getting laid off! If it hasn’t happened yet, it will! Come on, even the oldest and hardest working (and potentially dumbest) employees will probably have to work for cash on the side. But hey, at least we have each other! You are probably going to get laid off from your current cushy job. That sucks. I on the other hand have great news! I am moving to a new and improved building (knock on wood) and I am going to do a sexy dance now. Watch me…I’m fucking going…do you see me? I’m fucking dancing…We are casting for flat-chested tap dancing freaks!! (ZING 10)
3. Going to prison. Or as it more commonly known, being unmercifully stalked by your significant other (ZING 11). This is a good place to point out that I was NOT indirectly trying to get into the Evil MS’ (Queen Bee, Mother Hen©) pants. I was reading Jen’s last post and realized that she seems to be trying to hook me up with MS and her wicked Halloween costume. Let me make this plain and clear; I am trying to get into her pants. I’m not going to lie here. Well OK, maybe not really trying to get into her pants. Maybe I just wanted to blow lightly on her neck. I was certainly not trying to get set up on some sort of weird dating game show with a woman who is way too deft with scissors. Now would I hang with her? Sure. Life is short. And plus she probably controls half of the free world through some sort of telepathic measures. I somehow was capable of breaking through to Jennifer and bringing her over to La Resistance! What I am very glad about is that I am not going to have to worry about her reading this. And to cover my tracks I will gladly add a reference to Heather Kappes to get you all off the scent of my devious machinations. So Heather Kappes, Heather Kappes, Brian Orlowski, Brian Orlovski to all of you.
Heather Kappes Sexing it Up!
Brian has BEER Muscles
4. 2009 is not a leap year. So that means one less day I suppose. Just in case it sucks. Now if it becomes “Year of the gratuitous blow job” or “Year of Jen Eva’s pants” we are going to have a huge problem. That one extra day might be the difference between life and death. Speaking of which, My bestest friend Jessica called me before and her voice was so damaged by the New Year that she actually sounds SEXIER. This bodes very well for the rest of you women out there. Especially considering that her husband, Perseo is People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man of All Time, So Much So That We Don’t Even Need To Mention Him” award winner for the record 75th time. Yes, Perseo’s GRANDFATHER just thought of one of HIS sperm, becoming a man whose sperm would turn out to be Perseo and he won the award. And yes, he fucking has an accent. And so does Jessica, so suck on that chulos.
The Reigning Sexiest Woman Alive
5. My bachelor pad. Yes, I promise to have a new bachelor pad. Complete with flesh everywhere. Any flesh. Well, I would rather that it not be hairy. Actually I was thinking about painting my walls flesh colors and tones. Even painting nipples and areoles on the walls too. Something classy. I will have an entire room full of flanges, minges, slots, boxes, and axe-wounds. Hey I haven’t had a ZING in a while. What if we discussed FUPA’s again? I should have a little section dedicated to FUPAs. We need to do a better job of honoring the FUPA. It has touched so many of our lives. I’m still not sold on the “Pubic” part. It makes it SO much better when we refer to it as a Fat Upper Pussy Area (ZING 12). Anyway, I am going to be so cool. I will only drink champagne and cognac and play with blondes (watch out for a flying book, hammer, rock or midget thrown at my head). Actually, how many women just hung their heads in disbelief? How many of you just called Gregory for a styling? Yeah ladies, who loves you, baby? I hear there is a good salon by the Market Street Mission in Morristown! (ZING 13). OR you can just give in and see the Mother Hen in Netcong is it? Someone clarify, I get the shivers when I go up that way.
http://fupahunter.blogspot.com/
http://www.getfave.com/locations/5591579-michelles-special-effects-salon
6. My BMW upgrade chip. August 5th, 2009. Yes, I am going to put that chip in and bump the ponies up to 375. Fuck it. I deserve it right? I’m going to drive fast. Real fucking fast. Not even your Audi will keep up motherfucker (ZING 14); I am still in total disbelief over that one. I still love my damn car. No matter how I cut it, it carves the road like a Sacramento beaver hunt (ZING 15). I will wash it and dry it and wax it, and gently massage the seats. Because life begins at 100 mph I have to admit. And I bought it for a reason. Stay Tuned for the 335i Coupe with a SUPERCHARGER on top of it. Fuck you and your gay ass M3. Sometimes I love acting like a dildo. But you know what? I love to make people happy too. So come with me. Maybe Shmere will make me pull over and power squat out the door.
7. The new calendar system. 2009 will officially be dubbed as year ZERO. 2008 is technically 1 BJE. 2010 is going to be JE. That’s right; I am the only man promising to call a system of time “The Jen Eva Era”. She will be anointed as queen and then we can all move on. When she quietly passes away in my arms, we will refer to it as (AJE) and of course I just sounded like a total lunatic. But I smiled while I did it, so it’s OK right? I mean, it’s not like I am Ted Bundy attending a Chi Omega reunion party or nothing.
8. My early favorite for single most tasteless joke of 2009, but I can’t resist. Sue me. Or preferably yell at me and then make out with me so hard that I can’t think straight for a week. Anyway…
“What does an elephant use for a vibrator?”
“Jet Travolta”
Ah yes, I will be here until Thursday. And for the record, I know I am going to suffer a painful and miserable death followed by an eternity in hell (or North Dakota whichever is worse), so therefore I am entitled to do whatever I deem necessary to make the transition easy and intoxicating. Which reminds me, does ANYONE have a completely un-ethical Hindu doctor who has no qualms writing scripts for painkillers? I promise not to offer them to anyone except my low-life neighbors (ZING 15).
9. Don’t pull my fucking leg people. Is there really a new reality series “The Real Housewives of East Hanover”? Please God tell me no. Oh what, you say that we’ve already been watching it (ZING 16). Potentially dangerous zings on that one, but you all know it is all in good fun right? Say does ANYONE know any good Lynn Copeland stories? And speaking of Lynn, instead of “Burning Man” couldn’t we start a secret society called “Blowing Shit the Fuck up Man”? Obviously Michael Bay would have to be a member, but that’s just a formality. Isn’t it much more exciting to play with dynamite instead of fire? And weren’t the largest erections of all time recorded when they tested the atomic bomb? I’m going to start it. As soon as I leave the cathouse.
10. More blogs. Yes I know this one has been pretty shitty, but do I look like Nostradamus to you? I mean please, I DID manage to piss off every woman alive NOT named Jen Eva…name drop here…Like Amy, CB, Debbie Charrette Johnson, Nadine Hatfield Riggall, and HIGGIE!! Higgie is SO hot. And look people, I don’t go to Yoville anymore, but I want you to understand that you NEED to wear shoes. Damnit woman, I am so grossed out!
16 zings? OK fine. No more zings anymore. That was stupid. I am trying to migrate people to my weblog on other sites, but it just isn’t working so good luck to all of you with the stripped down version of my blog. Oh and thank you for all of the support! Abby is all better and recovered from her ear-infection. She’s such a good girl. I have to post a video of the ear cleanings though. Her post-cleaning drama is pure comedy gold. Such a damned drama queen.
Do you believe in destiny? Well I suppose that sperm could have missed and you could look like Tony! Heather Kappes Heather Kappes! Oh and Angela…Christa Lee is so sexy it is absurd. No matter what length her hair is.
2,168 words. Wow.
Bye my strudels!
For all the loser IT guys:
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything …oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open
[Guitar Break]
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open…
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open….wide open
