2008 Part II — The Good Shit
Missing 2008 Part I? I wasn’t ready to share. If you need it, it is out there somewhere.
Eric II, King of Denmark, died in 1104. He was known as Eric the Memorable. No one remembers why.
That’s a good way to start. Eric was memorable for a good number of reasons, most notably because he fathered all of your children. Now if you happened to be the one person in the world that got that joke, congratulations.
As of right now it is 2009, and I am severely behind on the times. I did promise parts 2 and 3 and since the Orange Bowl game this year is the equivalents of watching a herd of Yaks smell each other’s asses, I can post part 2 tonight. Aren’t I just a sugar plum? And speaking of sugar, I stole the last donut in the house tonight. It was so delicious and fudgy. Donuts are an absolute delicacy. Years from now when we are passed on the evolutionary charts by apes and gorillas and Marky Mark is running around in his undies, some simian genius will realize that the one thing that apes cannot do better than humans is baking donuts.
(I’m well aware that Charlton Heston will be more likely to go forward in time than Marky Mark, but the joke itself seems much funnier with Dirk Diggler in it. Not that anyone found that funny anyway. As well, I think I may have a fever now.)
Well we come to crossroads people. I’m not talking about scrabble here either. This is the beginning of a new year. This essentially means absolutely nothing, because time is the biggest bitch of them all. It doesn’t make one damned difference whether it is January 2009 or June 2008. Shit just keeps happening. Especially if you live on the equator. I really need to go to the equator. I still find it more than a coincidence that ECUADOR is on the EQUATOR. Really this is more than a geography lesson brought to you by the NEW Geo-Challenge champion, Debbie Charrette Johnson Clark Michael Duncan Sheik.
2008 had some great things happen within its walls. You will be surprised how much you will miss 2008. How can we all forget the election that we all fought about constantly? Or people telling us that we have to respect Obama and his role as President even though we just joined a Facebook group dedicated to worshipping some guy who threw his shoes at our current President? (Mind you I think everyone is a butt munch so I am OK to condemn everyone. )
Da Doo Doo Doo Da Da Da Da just came on. How funny is that? What a great name.
So without further interruptions, at least for now, I give you the best things about 2008. Most of these do not affect you, but I will try to make them interesting enough for you to continue reading them. By the way, why the hell aren’t you Tweeting? You are missing out on some seriously entertaining bylines. I was actually sexually molested over Twitter last night. By Hamhands Steakface.
1. The Giants win Super Bowl XLII. If it wasn’t for the Super Bowl, none of us would know roman numerals. Somewhere Caesar smiles. And somewhere Caligula is sticking his Roman candle in a horse’s ass. Just look up Caligula. I hate it when you all just laugh at something that you have no idea about. HERE:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caligula please take note of the following phrase: sources focus upon his cruelty, extravagance, and sexual perversity, presenting him as an insane tyrant.
And where the joke comes home: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caligula_(film)
Essentially Caligula is a modern day Tony. Or is that the other way around?
Yes, one of the best things to happen in 2008 was the Giants winning the Super Bowl. What makes this particularly shitty though is the fact that we are just two weeks away from the team losing to the fucking Philadelphia Eagles and the undoing of creation. AND, I couldn’t even go to the Super Bowl because it was such a shock that they got there in the first place. It wasn’t like we could plan ahead. Of course, this is why Dallas fans were stuck rooting for the G-Men in Glendale last year (because trust me you aren’t going to root for an 18-0 team from Boston under any circumstances.) So there is a lesson learned here about overconfidence, and the reason why I am not exactly booking my flight to Tampa. That and the halo rule. Do you need clarification on that too? Damn social retards.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mons_Venus
Now I kind of want to go to Mons Venus. I haven’t been there in forever. Come to think of it, I haven’t been to a tittie joint since that night at The Squeeze. Maybe I should hit Stage Dolls? (Once again, only one person is going to get that joke. Actually this ties into the first joke too, since he buys lap dances right?)
I’m actually thinking that when the best moment of a year happens in February, you have no chance. The helmet catch, Plaxico, the silly retarded redneck winning the MVP, and his mom CALLING it the year before. We actually saved the world. I don’t think you all truly understand the gravity of a situation that would have resulted from a perfect BOSTON team. Can you imagine the smug arrogance coming from up there? Leave it to my boys to help save us all. I’m crying. This was the only moment that I will truly look back at and smile about. This is going to be a rough blog. OK , I plead with you Eli. Actually, to YOU Antonio Pierce…figure out how to cover the back out of the backfield. If you can do that, you will get us back. And then we can all breathe easier. Hey did you know that we had a 6’5” wide receiver that was impossible to cover in the red zone? (Don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s time to go read “Hacky Sack Weekly” instead).
2. Firefox 3.0 came out. Oh my God this was a really rough year. I mean it has drastically changed the way I soak up knowledge, but this is completely ridiculous now. I didn’t do anything spectacular this year? Seriously a web browser is showing up on this list? I was going to put that I am back to work and making money again, but then again if I hadn’t been such a miserable dumb retard I would have never left and would be making double the money. But, we have good news for the 2009 blog so stay tuned. As for Firefox, it is completely amazing. I recommend installing it and then doing the following: Add Twitterfox or some variation of it, add Foxytunes, add One Click Weather or Accuweather, add the Facebook Toolbar, add Foxmarks to synchronize, and lastly stop listening to Lynn Copeland and join StumbleUpon. Then get a cool theme for it. Trust me on all of this. Here’s a trivia question for you:
What is the ONLY social networking site that Greg Harmon belongs to?
Answer? StumbleUpon. He’s an addict supreme. Actually maybe StumbleUpon should have been its own number. Oh damn it.
3. Way back in June I had the pleasure of making my first fully fledged pornographic film. That is right; I travelled to Brazil secretly and had anal sex with four bleached blonde Brazilian women under a raging waterfall. I managed to make 5 scenes and won the “Best Newcomer” award in Brazil. I received $250,000 pay for my sexual endeavors, but unfortunately had to pay the doctors all of that money to remove the various imperfections that I received from the adventure. Nevertheless it was an amazing experience and one that I truly wish would have really happened.
4. I got the Flip Mino camera, and much like the rest of 2008 it got kind of fucked up when like 3 weeks later they released the Flip Mino HD. BUT I love that damn camera. I have managed to make Nick Guido a virtual You Tube star, and I have a pretty nice following on my site. Do you still not know where my site is? In fact why don’t you all go there and check it out? It takes like 8 minutes out of your selfish lives to head over there and look at all the videos. You may actually get a really good laugh out of it. I’ve actually started to film myself out and about too. You may catch some cameos from your favorite hotties like Juissica. And even Perseo “Sexuality Re-invented” Negri. Do you still not know the damn URL? Fucking lazy hacks of life. After you open it, please add it to your damned favorites. Freak-a-zoids.
http://www.youtube.com/cargovanman
5. I found GOD. Then as per usual, I took a bunch of Ambien and lost the fucking cat. She was so hot too. She had the best boobs and ass ever. Plus these long sexy legs. And she carried around a really cool iPhone/Blackberry hybrid that would have completed my life as I know it. But Instead, I have this urge to tattoo a baphomet on my shoulder. Let me guess…you don’t know what a Baphomet is huh? Apparently neither does Microsoft (good time for a save here dudes). Well you should check it out at Wikipedia. Speaking of which, I donated did you? I’m actually lying, but I intend to donate. Did you know that Wikipedia is actually an accepted citation source in Graduate School? You need to bookmark Wikipedia as well. You won’t look as stupid when someone mentions a Baphomet to you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baphomet
6. I may have lost God in 2008, and subsequently my chance to meet Indiana Jones, but I surely did not lose my love for music. Yes baby, here is my list of best music I discovered in 2008. I actually think you can smoke dope to a lot of this stuff too, so for those of you with no musical tastes this is a pretty cool starting point.
a. My love for the Beatles deepens. I am now a complete “Rubber Soul” freak. Try going to www.last.fm or www.pandora.com and checking out the Beatles stuff. Last.fm actually does a better job of helping you find similar stuff and shuttle you through their catalogue, but Pandora is sweet with the streaming music.
b. Death Magnetic restored my faith in Heavy Metal. I must admit that overall the Slipknot album, “All Hope Is Gone” might be a better listen, but the stunning re-emergence of this band that will lead me to my first concert with them since like 1994, was a bigger story. And now I recommend the video for “All Nightmare Long”. Sure, most kids these days hate the music (fucking Cobain) but the video is really cool.
http://www.metallica.com/index.asp?item=601688
c. The end of the longest running joke in music, the release of Guns ‘n’ Roses, “Chinese Democracy”. OK it kind of sucks and is as much G ‘N’R as a Velvet Revolver album but it is still a fun little ride. Not gonna make you a man or nothing but it is sappy and melodic. You can fuck to it. Do you hear that Jen Eva? I have a truck with sheepskin seats and Chinese Democracy cued up on the 8 Track.
d. Radiohead ruled my world all year. They are fucking incredible. Thank my subscription to Blender magazine for forcing me to listen to them. I can’t get enough.
e. PSYCHOBILLY!! I am so smitten with Tiger Army, Nekromantics, Batmobile, Pole Cats etc… I even renewed my love for the great Brian Setzer. This has brought me back to the rockabilly too and even shot medeeper into the world of crazy mash ups. I am considering learning to play the upright bass. Truthfully the route I would love to take would be to buy that Fender Jaguar and start my band with Juissica, but that’s for 2009.
f. The Ramones are my boys now. I needed them in my life. I really did.
7. Jessica, Shmere, CB, Lynn, P, Brooke, Stacy, Colt. It’s still about people that make you feel good about yourselves. It doesn’t matter what people say about them or where they come from. If you enjoy their company and you learn something from each other, you are lucky and 2008 affirmed this for me.
8. Jennifer Eva entered my consciousness and took over as my goddess of Roxburyian love. Despite the best efforts of Michelle Sarinelli and her EVIL Halloween costume, Jennifer kept coming back to more. That is what beautiful women do. Jen is just like me trust me. But let me tell you that the latest pictures that she put up give me faith in how hot she is too.
9. Being able to stay good friends with Amy is important to me. It’s nice to have someone there in good times and in bad. We both helped each other out in 2008 and I’m proud to have her in my life. Despite the fact that my two cousins make me nuts when it comes to her.
10.
11. Burger Shots, look if you haven’t tried them, you are a complete asshole. They make all of the pain go away. They really do. They are delectable and they come in a cool 6-pack to ensure maximum impact. White Castle is in major trouble if these break because they are just from heaven. Please let us all request from BK that the Shots show up at every BK and that they stay forever. None of these McRib psych outs.
http://davescupboard.blogspot.com/2008/07/burger-king-burger-shots-with-bacon.html
12. I love my brother. 2008 was made possible by him. I want him to know that. When things got shitty, Greg never gave up. He may have thought about it, but he always made me feel like I was a valuable part of his life. AND he was behind the camera in Brazil.
Sooooo we have on more part coming…but this one is my predictions and things to look forward to in 2009. Don’t forget that the POO wedding is in 09 so how bad can things be? I predict big things for C-Bass so make sure you check back in.
I will do it tomorrow. I’m actually in a pretty good place right now. Thanks to all of you. And the fact that I took out Debbie in Geo Challenge before. Spread!
Till Tomorrow,
Please could you stop the noise? I’m trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What’s that?
(I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What’s that?
(I may be paranoid, but not an android)
When I am king you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What’s that?
(I may be paranoid, but no android)
What’s that?
(I may be paranoid, but no android)
Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking and squealing, Gucci little piggy
You don’t remember, you don’t remember
Why don’t you remember my name?
Off with his head, man, off with his head, man
Why don’t you remember my name? I guess he does
Rain down, rain down
Come on, rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height, height
Rain down, rain down
Come on, rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height, height
(Rain down)
That’s it, sir, you’re leaving
The crackle of pigskin
(Rain down, come on, rain down on me)
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
(From a great height)
The panic, the vomit
(From a great height)
God loves his children
God loves his children, yeah!
