I Have a Penis…Gimme the Butt!
We can get this out of the way quite quickly. I’ve gotten a lot of inquiries about the past week or so and some of the things that are going on. The biggest talking point has been about the sudden and completely unbelievable status comment left by a dear friend of mine. While Jessica “Strawberry” Dysko’s return was the big news of the week for me, her amazing “vagina replacing bellybutton” remark was somehow overshadowed by 12 amazing letters strung together. “I have a penis”. (How many of you just counted the letters in that sentence and realized that there are 11 letters and that I am going to make fun of you for trying to call me out on it because you are nothing but a bunch of tight-assed butt wads?). Why was that sentence completely amazing? Because it was written by an amazingly beautiful woman who has never even come close to dropping a line like that. Tony claiming that he once farted an entire eggplant onto the floor? Not shocking. But this was completely stunning, so unbelievable that many people did double and triple takes. People took screenshots of the incident. People bookmarked the sentence and Google even listed it as a top 5 search result for the day behind “Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds” and “Moron Dickhead Prim donna Asshole Fucks up Repeat Dream Because He Decided to SHOOT Himself”. The responses from YOU, my loyal fan base have been surreal. Some of your thoughts have been priceless. In fact until this afternoon, I hadn’t heard anything else from her, leading us all to believe that something nefarious was under foot. I have not asked about the status comment, I just felt like it was one of those things we just should probably ignore and pretend never happened, like that time my cousin made out with that guy in A.C. However; since I have always promised to be an equal opportunity dickhead, I had to make my thoughts known. And of course I had to make yours known. So I played your questions out in my head and decided that as usual, I have all the answers.
Q: “Was she serious? Does she really have a penis?”
A: According to someone that knows her, the answer is more than likely NO. I just gather that if you were a hot woman, that you wouldn’t want to disclose your deepest, darkest secret on some guy’s status. I mean you could Tweet that shit (BTW, thanks to all of you for signing up…DICKS), but posting it in plain view just makes no sense. I believe firmly that she does not have a penis. NOW, do I secretly believe that Dysko has a vagina where her belly button should be? Very possible, and now I know that we can ask Kevin at Ron’s Tattoo in Elizabeth about it. BTW, that’s a famous place too, a very well known tattoo was *ahem* done there. So according to my beliefs…NO, this gorgeous woman does NOT have a penis.
Q: “Was she trying to scare you into NOT stalking her?”
A: I thought this up until this afternoon. And then I back tracked and realized that the other comments from five minutes later disprove this theory. And besides, it is much easier to ignore someone and wait for them to go away then post something completely nuts and draw even more attention to you. I find ways to get rid of stalkers all the time (and lord knows I get stalked like a celebrity). The easiest way to get rid of female stalkers is to send them Tony’s way. A little known fact is that Carolyne used to stalk me in high school, and I pawned her off on Tony (just kidding, sheesh, I don’t want Jackie to report this to my mother…ZING!). Male stalkers are totally different, in fact I will never forget that strange Andy guy from my freshman year of college who kinda stalked me and got caught jerking off by his roommate and then walked around the room in his briefs with a nut stain. You just kinda have to hope they get hit by a car or something. Or pawn them off on Tony. Come to think of it, pawn everyone off on him. Just easier. Remember the fucking asshole Czech guy that you gave my number to T? Yeah, I’m still repaying you. So the long winded answer to this question is NO, she was not trying to scare me off.
Q: “Was she just looking for a reaction?”
A: Umm, are you a moron? Of course she was. And did I give her one? I’d say over 1000 words on the subject is plenty of reaction. Right gringos? I responded quickly, but it was definitely one of those awkward moments when you really don’t know what to say. So you can always go to the “ummmm” line that sort of sums everything up. So the answer is YES, she was looking for a reaction. And she got one.
Q: “Was she drunk, high, or did someone steal her phone or log into her account?”
A: Probably not drunk or high, since there were plenty of other coherent thoughts from that night. It’s not like she was drunk dialing me at 3am while rubbing the phone on her boobs. “Heeyyyyy, what are you doing? Wanna go to Smiles?” That’s more like something Meredith would do. High is a different story. She doesn’t strike me as the type to be a blow-hound though. I’m not sure that they allow you to work for major pharma companies and do lines off the dashboard, although I’ve seen stranger shit (once again Meredith comes into play). Oh and before I forget, when someone asks you why they have bad teeth and your response is “Because you smoke crack!” you automatically join the hall of fame of wise-asses. And that is a good thing. So she’s not high, not hammered, and probably not loaded enough on Ambien CR to make that mistake (I will not rule out the DOUBLE Ambien memory explosion…my GOD I haven’t done that in so long), BUT the idea of the stolen phone or password is quite possible. The only way we are going to figure that one out is if she comes forward and tells us that is what happened. And let’s set the record straight, she SHOULD do that!! Ha ha, I totally bailed her out. And why not, she’s fucking HOT!
So that solves the mystery of Jennifer’s completely insane status update. If you don’t know which Jennifer, too bad for you. You lose. I’m not going that far. She can come forward and explain herself. Needless to say, you better be one funny, intelligent and FINE looking woman to pull off the “I have a penis” joke.
I have to admit; a little bit…I miss the Munchkin. OK there, I said it. The random lines coming out of her made for the best Twitter fodder EVER. I mean come on!! When the southern belle (who DOES look like Scarlett O’Hara fyi) spazzes out with lines like “Everyone has a fucking fish named George or Fred” you know that the young lady has a lasting impact. Here are some of the goodies we learned from our night at the “Office” (BTW, the nachos apparently bring down the house there, in fact I really liked the fajitas and the southwestern spring rolls, though Perseo swears by Miami Mike’s).
“I* had braces and got punched in the mouth. They are expensive. They are 600 bucks a month. My truck payment is 200 bucks a month”
“Am I allowed to fuck?”
“My fish died, my little, mean, nasty fish. The little fucker died.”
“My house is clean and I have no pets. I always take my garbage out when it is half full”
“The first song I learned how to play was Stairway to Heaven”
“I did Michael Cheese, he fingered my butt hole” ( I might have made that one up).
So anyway I miss the Munchkin. She’s free; she can shit on her kitchen floor.
Some new recommendations for all of you. Digg sucks donkey snot. Stumble Upon kicks its ass. Pandora IS better than last.fm, BUT they both are very limited and since I don’t listen to shit indie bands, they can’t help me. I did find two cool new music solutions though.
www.getsongbird.com – Songbird is a standalone open source music player. It basically replaces iTunes. It adds Last.fm to your player, cool artist bios, lyrics, concert info, photos, videos etc…It’s not ready to be your only player but the add-ons are cool as hell. It’s built on the Firefox 3.0 framework which we all know is just one big burst of chocolaty fudge. Be warned though, it is a touch buggy (especially in Vista or VEESTA), cannot sync to iPhones or Touches, and doesn’t play the shitty iTunes protected files.
http://musicovery.com/index3.php?ct=us - I’m sure musicovery.com works, but THIS is the best player on the net that I have found. All you do is click where your mood is and kaboom! You are money like Rodney. I’ve tried to listen to more calming and upbeat music during my amazing new life technique, and it really does work. Of course when someone tells me that “You report to ME” I just click on the dark and angry area.
How hard is it to learn how to play the damn guitar and play Ramones covers? I think I can do it. Which reminds me, everyone needs to come over and play Rock Band 2 and Lips at my house. I just uncle-fucked Megadeth’s “Wake up Dead” on hard. I’m a God I swear.
Oh. Downloaded a beer pong game for the Wii. Forget it. Completely addicting and insane. I love getting fake drunk.
Finally, I’m going to see “The Wrestler”. Not this weekend because I am broke, it’s my brothers BDay and I have GIANTS tickets for Sunday night. Thank you dear!! Anyway, so I will go see “The Wrestler” Monday or Tuesday and report to you. In fact maybe I will update my multiply page too…LOL…
IFMYYWABHASTM!!!
You wanted something nice? How about this? Your song…
Well the kids are all hopped up and ready to go
They’re ready to go now they got their surfboards
And they’re going to the discotheque A Go Go
But she just couldn’t stay she had to break away
Well New York City really has it all oh yeah, oh yeah
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
Well she’s a punk punk, a punk rocker
Punk punk a punk rocker Punk punk a punk rocker Punk punk a punk rocker
Well the kids are all hopped up and ready to go
They’re ready to go now they got their surfboards
And they’re going to the discotheque A Go Go
But she just couldn’t stay she had to break away
Well New York City really has it all oh yeah, oh yeah
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
Well she’s a punk punk, a punk rocker
Punk punk a punk rocker Punk punk a punk rocker Punk punk a punk rocker
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker Sheena is a punk rocker now
