Post Thanksgiving Purge (In a Bucket)
Last night I was lying in my bed. The cool breeze gently blowing on my semi-nude body as I lay on my silk sheets. I could hear the smooth scrape of my buttocks on the sheets, and I thought to myself…why would I have silk sheets that turn me into a horn ball at three am? Just ask me and I will send you pictures of me lying quietly on my silk sheets, waiting for you to join me and press your naked body up against me. For women, these pictures are totally free (and for stalkers too, I figure it might help you with those lonely nights), for men, well I will give them to you, but maybe you could ease my homophobic mind by pretending to be a woman when you ask. Really, honestly, I know that Jackie will be the first one lined up for the photos. She is utterly perverted, real sick West Virginia kind of stuff. She gives me the shivers. As for Tony, well, I wouldn’t doubt that he already has some pictures of me, judging by the way he peeks when I piss in the urinal. Hope he’s impressed!
OK, so maybe I don’t have silk sheets, and maybe I sleep in a T-shirt and flannel pants, but don’t lie to yourself ladies, you just thought about it. MMMMM!! Nothing like the BONE from PUDDINGSTONE! In fact that is the only reason I have decided to change my name to Puddingstone, because I can make that silly rhyme work. Yay Shmere!
Last night’s three-way with the Munchkin and Shmere was pretty damned hot. It was me, the munchkin, a quart of rocky road, 7 five-dollar bills, a John Stamos headshot, and a pound of fudge. That Munchkin is DIRTY!! She can get into the sexiest positions…and Shmere. (Hold…I have to barf real quick…OK). Shmere just blows the lid off the joint.
You may be wondering what the occasion is. Why is this guy blogging for a second time in under a week? Well I have two reasons. First is that I’m filling up my brand new file sharing site at multiply.com with more goodness than you can shake a limp penis at. Second, it’s THANKSGIVING people! Well it was almost a week ago. Since I am completely fun and fancy free, I figured I would send you a quick blog (and post it to all three of my sites. The best looking of which might be abbyspop over at typepad.com. The best functioning blog happens to be the wordpress blog.) I’m cheating on the whole Thanksgiving thing and telling you what I am thankful for AFTER I was thankful. I have a tactical advantage this way because I can toss shit out like “family” now because I won’t have to face them (I’m a clever fucker aren’t I?). So what I came up with are ten reasons to be thankful, in no order, and probably just thought up like ten minutes ago! This is the price I pay for my utter brilliance, which is what I will be referring to my insanity as for a while. Now before I run off and try to watch “Heroes” while baked on Ambien I just wanted to tell all of you that it looks like you will need to get any “Mike” time in before next Monday. As Chicken Little said, “The Motherfucking roof is comin’ off the joint!” and I’m going to have to become a hermit because of it.
Without further interruption, provided that nature doesn’t call, and even if it does, you won’t know the difference anyway, unless I decide to go into detail what that micro waved chicken marsala looked like coming out……..
My Top Ten Things to be Thankful for on this Thanksgiving:
1. The Super Bowl Champion New York Giants: officially jinxed I know, but I have to say that they have kept me alive for the last 10 months. It’s been a year since that Minnesota debacle, and I can’t believe that they have lost just ONCE in 2008. This is a good place to be thankful that I also learned in college to always use the safety when playing with my firearms in a NYC night club. I’m not exactly the type of person to be entering night clubs that are named “Latin” anything, but if I did I would surely leave my 38 special behind. Everyone knows that it is a total cliché to carry a handgun now anyway. It’s all about machetes under your bed. The bad news is yes you can’t wear your Plaxico jersey anymore. The good news? You can wear it if you toss some ketchup on your thigh and scream loudly. It would help if you made 9 million a year, but who is counting right?
2. Abigail: Abby is the living dog version of me (I don’t know if there is a dead dog version of me, but I’m sure it reeks). No one really likes her. They tolerate her. She kinda smells funny sometimes, takes enormous craps for something her size and tends to throw up too much. But she is loving, caring, and gives great kisses. I still laugh every time I see her face, her ass waddle, or how she opens that screen door. It is completely amazing. I thank the God’s of some weird Oklahoma farm for her every day. The day I come home and she’s not there is going to be a very very bad day. Chub Chub!!
3. Ambien: I have no vices at ALL these days. No drinking, no hardcore illegal drugs, no sedatives, no smoking, not even serial masturbating (I need to read the label on the Zoloft, I know). But if there is one habit that I refuse to kick, it is Holly Ann Ambien, my slutty nightly bedfellow. No matter how wired or anxious you are, that bitch kicks my ass, makes me loopy and puts my shit to sleep. Now this is not a knock on her richer, hotter sister Debbie Sue Ambien CR, but that girl doesn’t fuck nearly as well as her sister. I am considering marrying a giant bottle of Ambien. We’ve known this for years, but hey I will never stop giving thanks. And neither will the people who want to tear the truth out of me at 2 am!
4. Jen Eva: because in the age of stalkers and weirdoes, it’s nice to know that a hot chick can notice you once in a while. Do you want to know how close to perfect she is? She sells Ambien CR. That is SOOOOO close to heaven for me. This is probably why I have never met her personally. But I love that fact that she will pay me a smidgen of attention once in awhile. I will never stop loving beautiful women.
5. Nylons: I feel the comeback coming on. I can smell it. Its right there people. Take the plunge ladies. Understand me when I tell you that you can get whatever you want from me. Ever since I fessed up to this, I find myself tortured more. But it’s worth every penny. And yes I am a freak, but I could be into a lot worse things.
6. Atlantic City: When you find a $100 Borgata chip in your car, you know it is ON. I want to just roll in, sit at the bar, drop $40 in the video poker machine, drink 4 Grey Goose Martini’s and win $800 like it’s nothing. Then I want to slide into Ming Na’s $50 minimum blackjack table and make love to that felt for 8 hours straight. After I have properly taken 5 large from the casino, I’m going to eat my complimentary food and rest in my sweet smelling hotel room. Who knows, maybe a few ladies will join me in the hot tub. Then I will kick back in the Hummer H2 while my beautiful and slightly hairy Cousin Anthony chauffeurs me back home. All the while watching teen porn on the TV screen. Ahhhh….AC.
7. The 5 Magazines for $20 a year Subscription Site: Maxim, Wired, PC World, First Glimpse, Road and Track. $20 to just effortlessly flip through the pages and learn about the wonders of today and yesteryear. I spend at least $20 a month on Euro-Porn anyway, so $20 a year on a continued wealth of useless bullshit is so perfect it is amazing. And the fact that I labeled some of the magazines with different names like “Jesus Christ” only adds to my dripping anticipation every month. For the Tonys of the world out there, it is possible to buy “Nugget” and “Super Twink” magazine.
8. Mike at STS: you solved the ongoing problem of these fucking shit tires on my BMW. Now I can come to you whenever that lame light comes on, you fix my tire for free and I can squeal out of the parking lot at max speeds. I bought that car to drive it VERY fast, and now that Mike has my back, I can drive like the animal I truly am. Ladies, the next time you sit in my car and start to feel giddy while the car reaches 110 mph, or takes a tight corner at 90, think of Mike and all he has done. Then straighten up, because it is hard to see the road while you are driving the car with your asses!
9. Punk, Horror-Punk, PsychoBilly, and Death Magnetic: It was very disappointing to hear Axl Rose’s new disco album. But it means very little to a man who is now listening very intently to the Ramones, Nekromantix, Sex Pistols, Misfits, Tiger Army, and Motorhead. I can hear every sweet riff, every stiff beat, and every deep bass line, especially on the upright bass of psychobilly’s bawling melodies. And just to let you know Lars, it took you fucking long enough to put an album worthy of that band’s name. You finally swallowed your pride, along with God knows what came out of Hammett last night. But you assholes put aside the pussy shit, hit a snare drum, added a bass line and remembered what a guitar solo was. Now I can honestly say that I will see you again on February 1st at the Devils loser home in Newark. I just hope I don’t catch any songs from St. Anger.
10. The Fact That I’m done Writing: seriously. I had to write 2000 words? What the hell is wrong with me? I may be a machine. Or the biggest loser on the face of the Earth since no one reads this. But don’t be upset, I am not stopping anytime soon. Not now that I know that I can publish my blogs into a hardcover book. 5 years of blogs into one hardbound volume?
OK time to peel the nighty off my sweet bride Holly Ann Ambien. Then I’m going to watch the latest exploits of that hot chick Milo Ventimiglia. Wait is he a guy?
LOVE, KISSES, AND REVERSE COWGIRL,
Mike
I’m leaving town, just wanna get away
from politics and stupid rules and the eternal love war
A life in boredom is too high a price to pay
I’m headed in no direction, just away from before
That’s when the sky turned jet-black
Eyes are watching from above and it ain’t bad weather, it’s a gargoyle attack
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles over Copenhagen
I’m trying to escape, I’m on the run
from these hellsent creatures, they are all over me
Please help me someone, dial 911
The invasion has begun, this is the end of humanity
Those years of waiting hasn’t been in vain
They’re leaving their observation posts for the final take-over, they want world domain
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles over Copenhagen
[Solo]
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles – Yeah yeah yeah
Gargoyles over Copenhagen
