Pay Me!
Have you ever noticed how completely nuts people get when you flip them off? I have a habit of randomly giving the finger to total strangers when I drive. What is funny is that no matter what the circumstances are, they always completely go schizoid. I’ve had people turn around and follow me just so that they can make sure that I see their response. 99% of the time the response on the other end is a return finger and that always bothers me as well. If you are going to insult me, then take the time to stick your asshole out of the window, shit in a McDonald’s cup and throw it at me, or at the very least pop a boob out on me. Regardless of how big or impressive it is, a boob will always take someone aback. What’s funnier than a Granny giving the finger? A granny flipping out a tittie that’s what. I’m just trying to help. It’s tough being a woman in these situations. I can simply make the blow job motion with my mouth and automatically win. It used to work so well in college, when you were in a class with some stupid bitch who knew all the answers. When she started yapping about some political or gender related horse shit, you could just start laughing at her. When she asked what was so funny, you just answer with a smirk, “I’m just picturing you sucking my dick.” No matter what you say to that, you can’t win, so don’t try. I like a strong woman though, one who can blurt out something about “blowing your dad” and not getting uncomfortable. And if a woman drops that magical “suck my cunt” line, well you can sign me up for marriage, then divorce of course. I’m all for the women. I am on their side. I’m here for them. Now let’s have copious amounts of sexual gratification on the hood of my car.
Since its cold outside, I figure it is a good time to remind all of my long term friends that it is almost “National Stick Your Bare-Ass Out of the Car Window While Driving through the Lincoln Tunnel” month. Yes, I do understand that my dear cousin is the only peoples that I have seen do this in my life, and yes I understand that doing it in the winter was even more incredibly stupid, BUT it was kind of funny. In fact, having him screaming that his balls are frozen as we try to catch up to someone who will actually look at us, is pretty good fun. I remember actually a second time that he did it (I think this was the lost SandieHugs show) and some guy in a Lincoln Town Car was speeding up and trying to do something back. I should have slowed down. And now that I am on the topic, I want everyone to know that my ingenious cousin told me the other day that I am completely insane (true) but that he is the only normal member of our family. I’ve decided to list the five reasons (in no particular order because I want to watch Heroes on Ambien tonight) why he is bat-shit fucking crazy and should be institutionalized for even THINKING that he is normal:
1. He has “Pay Me!” tattooed on his right palm.
2. He has streaked Hoboken.
3. He is the only person I know to convince a cab driver to let him drive.
4. He has SHIT in the O’Donahues bathroom.
5. If you really need a fifth one, just ask me for the pictures.
I have to address the on-going sports issues in this country right now. I have had a lot of questions about my reaction to the Phillies winning the World Series. Sad to say I had no care or worries about a Philadelphia baseball team winning. It took them all of three days to start whining about the Eagles anyway. I found out that the second baseman brought his bulldog to the parade making it worth every second of footage, and therefore really don’t care. Now if Donovan McNabb brought a bulldog to the parade, sadly I would have to kill Abby.
BUT. Let me help out a bit here. It is about to become insane in New York for the next few weeks. Between the Giants fans booking their tickets to Tampa, and the Jets fans peeking out like Punxsutawney Phil on February 2nd it is about to become a little bit over-whelming. Let me make my statement now, Brett Favre really does suck. This is going to hurt like holy hell for the Jet fans, and I am actually starting to feel VERY bad for them. That guy is a ticking time bomb, and he’s going to leave them high and dry at the end of the year causing even worse pain. I’m secretly hoping that his knee explodes so that Jet fans will have the excuse needed to just go back to being miserable little asshole Met fans. For the life of me I can’t understand why that team practices in Florham Park. How annoying?
Do I have complete faith in my Giants? Yes and no. They have a pretty gaping hole in their secondary, but the only team that can beat them is the Cowboys and I’m pretty sure that the Giants will grab home field in the next week or two. That means that Tony Romo has to beat them in freezing temperatures, and he couldn’t win in warm weather last year. Now all bets are off if it’s the NFC Championship game and Romo has just won two road games, much like Eli. Last year I would have bet Shmere’s virginity that Eli would choke somewhere. So what the hell kind of expert am I?
Does this mean that I don’t think we will have the East Rutherford Bowl in Tampa this year? Actually, no I don’t. I’m going Giants/Colts. Seriously. That is by FAR the most annoying matchup possible. Two weeks of Eli and Peyton and those retarded looks they always have. I just keep getting reminded of the Oreo dunking league or whatever those stupid fucking commercials were. Yeah, in fact I’m sure of it now. It’s Eli vs. Peyton and the Giants secondary is going to be asked to win the game. The only thing I can say about the boys in blue is that their offensive line clears everything out like independent contractors at the King Buffett.
Last bit of news that I can cram in before we get to this blog’s feature. Somehow, someway, “Chinese Democracy” was released the other day. Why it dropped on a weekend is completely flabbergasting but none more amazing than the fact that the damn album actually happened. It’s been like 14 years since Axl Rose promised this new Guns N’ Roses album and I can’t believe it actually happened. I know it took Brian Wilson 35 years to release the Beach Boys’ Smile, but at least he took the band name off. This is really an album full of Axl screaming and whining to very low grade riffs. Every once in a while there is a bright spot where it rolls a little heavy but for the most part it is a showcase of how high his voice is. Plus, it’s a solo album for the most part so it doesn’t really count. Yes, anyone can play drums and guitar, but the songs don’t sound the same because different writers have different styles. Ah whatever, does anyone really give a shit? I’m getting a free Dr. Pepper out of the deal.
OK, so on to my new obsession. I’m surfing the web with reckless abandon these days for all of you. This way I can find the best sites all around to play with and waste your precious time. I wholly recommend Mozilla’s Firefox browser for general pleasure, mostly because Microsoft sucks my hairy beanbag. Although I do enjoy my Xbox and Office 2007. But they still suck, because I need money and they have it. Give me money and will speak favorably of you, like the PC magazine’s do.
I just received a check for $25,000 from Microsoft. I hereby declare Apple a bunch of scumbag thieves who fuck little boys. Now back to our regularly scheduled anal ribbing.
I’m going to post some websites that need to be utilized by all of you. I’m not going into Twitter because I’m not ready to push that site. I’m afraid of the overload that it will cause if I know you are all reading my constant updates. But I did come up with a few great sites for all of you to check out.
1. www.youtube.com/cargovanman
Seriously, I’m plugging my own amateur video site. You can find all of the Abby videos, the fishing extravaganza, and the now famous Nick vids, along with some sneaky footage of my brother, the elusive Poo.
It kind of bites off of Weird NJ’s original idea, but I still liked the set up of the site. Plug in a zip code and it will give you directions and some great places to drive to. Whether it is Wild West City (check out www.wildwestcity.com and see the original theme song and commercial) or directions to Tony’s largest collection of pubic shavings, you can always find an interesting attraction to see and explore, for free sometimes too.
This is my favorite website in the world. You plug in your state and or zip code and the site tells you the gas prices of the stations in your area. Usually I check out the cheapest and most expensive, but you can narrow it any way you would like. Users phone or text in the prices so they may not always be accurate, but it is worth seeing this: $1.56/gallon at the Delta in Sayreville right now…and $3.00 at the River Road Exxon in Summit.
Find out how to pick a lock, waterproof a basement, how cable tv companies screw you or even how to fly the Space Shuttle. You can even find out how to sell a Hummer H2 that sounds like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building.
Best place to book your trip. It compiles all the prices from the other websites and tells you which ones have the cheapest prices. And so you know, New Orleans for $200. Booze, hookers, blow, Vaseline, stuffed chimpanzees and hydrogen peroxide not included.
Really, this is Carolyne Smith’s dream site. You install browser buttons into IE or Firefox and then you just start clicking and adding into your list of items. Basically it is a virtual Christmas list. Just fill up the site with as many gifts as you want. Then show Tony your link and he will buy you everything on it. Yes you can put cars, and jewelry and GYM MEMBERSHIPS on it too!! I know there is a Facebook plug in, and yes it displays, but it only shows up on the boxes tab, and no one checks that.
If you don’t know about this already you are probably an asshole. But I will tell you anyway. Open Table is a reservations system for EVERY restaurant. Well almost every restaurant. Pretty much Manhattan and any tough to get into restaurants. Just log in, and tell it where you want to go and the site gives you recommendations, price ranges, and seating times available. For the serial eater it is a dream. For broke people like me, Burger King will suffice.
Yes, I already have a personal listing for my cousin ready to go. I don’t know, I found this and got creeped out. Remember that people actually have a sick perversion for this stuff. Maybe I will make friends with a thug. Maybe I can join a motorcycle gang yay!
Thank you Lynn for this one. It’s the best music site on the net. All you do is plug in your favorite band and they play music for you. Use it now, because this sucker is going to get squished soon according to reports. God forbid people find new bands and BUY something. You can check out www.last.fm too, it’s pretty cool.
Don’t know how long this is going to last either, but you can watch pretty much anything on here for free. I also highly recommend www.southparkstudios.com where the creators give you free uncensored access to the shows. All of them.
LASTLY
NEVER ask me where to get tickets again. This is the BEST place to get tickets for anything. Same idea as kayak, where they have tickets from tons of brokers. I have used them many times, and the prices kick ass. My parents got 2nd row center seats to Elton John at MSG for $250 each. And fucking never went.
There are countless more, but I’m done here. Call me sometime and we can make out!
Love forever and EVA…
Mike
P.S. Michelle Sarinelli’s Halloween costume scared the SHIT out of me.
In honor of God knows what:
BTW Tony go to www.juicycampus.com
Loaded like a freight train
Flyin’ like an aeroplane
Feelin’ like a space brain
One more time tonight
Well I’m a west coast struttin’
One bad mother
Got a rattlesnake suitcase
Under my arm
Said I’m a mean machine
Been drinkin’ gasoline
And honey you can make my motor hum
Well I got one chance left
In a nine live cat
I got a dog eat dog sly smile
I got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go
I smoke my cigarette with style
An I can tell you honey
You can make my money tonight
Wake up late honey put on your clothes
Take your credit card to the liquor store
That’s one for you and two for me by tonight
I’ll be loaded like a freight train
Flyin’ like an aeroplane
Feelin’ like a space brain
One more time tonight
I’m on the nightrain
Bottoms up
I’m on the nightrain
Fill my cup
I’m on the nightrain
Ready to crash and burn
I never learn
I’m on the nightrain
I love that stuff
I’m on the nightrain
I can never get enough
I’m on the nightrain
Never to return – no
Loaded like a freight train
Flyin’ like an aeroplane
Speedin’ like a space brain
One more time tonight
I’m on the nightrain
And I’m lookin’ for some
I’m on the nightrain
So’s I can leave this slum
I’m on the nightrain
And I’m ready to crash an’ burn
Nightrain
Bottoms up
I’m on the nightrain
Fill my cup
I’m on the nightrain
Whoa yeah
I’m on the nightrain
Love that stuff
I’m on the nightrain
An I can never get enough
Ridin’ the nightrain
I guess I
I guess, I guess, I guess I never learn
On the nightrain
Float me home
Ooh I’m on the nightrain
Ridin’ the nightrain
Never to return
Nightrain
