Rockin The Backseat of The White Van (Fat LOSER!!)

Big news in the world this evening. The social experiment to end all social experiments begins next weekend and I can’t even begin to contain myself. 20 people, all in the same 5 bedroom house. 3 nymphomaniacs, 2 beer sluts, 6 children, 16 animals, 1 sexual predator, 4 perverts, 82 bottles of tequila and one gigantic inflatable penis. This is the way the real world should have been done. Screw Eric Nies and his gang of twats, let’s take people that think they could survive with each other, throw them into a melting pot and see what happens. Only one of them is allowed to work for the rest of the year, they can only eat Taco Bell, and Bert Di Giovanni is responsible for policing the entire affair. It doesn’t get much better than this.

 

  My other social experiment has also reached its breaking point. I set up an account on another social networking site and have been posing as an innocent young female. So far I have 350 friends, of all of these friends…well, what better way to express how demented our society is than with a bulleted list??

 

·         350 friends. 5 of them I friended because they are absurdly hot women.

·         285 men. All but maybe SIX of them are complete perverts who somehow think they are going to meet and fuck me.

·         22 men over the age of 40. Half of these are without a doubt convicted sexual felons. One looks like he’s pushing 60 and just fingered an 8 year old boy. Seriously I almost called Dateline NBC.

·         1 gentleman who sent me near nude pics of himself in the shower. Had I seen the penis I would have posted it on every website that would have allowed me. Of course I sent these pics to Tony.

·         1 woman who sent me a picture of herself eating her boobs. Oh wait that wasn’t on that site…funny funny!

·         1 guy from North Dakota. His picture is of him shirtless and the room in the background looks like he just threw his girlfriend all over the house. The paint on the walls is cracking and the mess is unbearably funny. I talked to him for three emails and asked him if everyone in ND lives like a derelict. Oddly he threatened to come out to NJ and kill me.

·         267 men with profile pictures shirtless. I’m completely floored by this. At no point in time would I think of posting a picture of myself shirtless. Is that the new thing? My favorite is the one where the guy lies on the bed with his shirt off, one arm behind his head and the other taking the pic with his cam phone.

·         Somewhere in the vicinity of 75% of the guys use pictures of model men with completely absurd abs. Like a guy with those kind of abs would be on a social networking site. If I looked like that I would be dying from AIDS right now.  I would plow more fields than the ND guy’s crop-dusting family.

·         I have received 423 emails from men either calling me “Hot”, “Sexy”, “Tasty”, and even “Fuckable”. Gee thanks.

·         4 different men have just outright asked if I would meet them to fuck. One guy’s picture was of him holding his son.

·         22 men from The Middle East friended me. In a shocking turn of events, not one has said anything disgusting. In fact the only European to creep me out is Itzak from Israel who keeps buying me expensive virtual gifts. It’s almost like he is TRYING to be a stereotype. I suppose I can cyber-blow him and then stop when he marries me? (BTW, Tony is way to macho and homophobic to handle this entire blog. 3 inch dicks be damned!)

·         I changed my status to the following: “I am going to fuck the first guy to come to my door”.  I only received 3 emails saying “ding-dong”. Interesting, I suppose men like to feel like the pursuer.

·         One guy asked how I was. I told him I was “soaking through my panties”. His only response was “Jesus I can’t handle this”.  Remind me to tell girls that my boner is tearing through my jeans now.

·         I called a guy a sick perverted fuck. Why? Because he sent me a friend request. He was a 55 year old man with a gray hairy chest.

·         The women are amazing. Hot women just friend me for no reason. It is the greatest phenomenon I have ever encountered.  I can friend any girl and they accept me with no questions asked. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, even a bald chick.

·         A large contingency of lesbians and bi-sexuals are into me as well. I told one woman that I wanted her to munch my carpet and she gladly sent me a picture of her tongue.  I have also gotten 4 asses in thongs and two sets of breasts. I am only just beginning to tap into this beautiful new resource.

·         People ask me to vote in their battles. It is a completely stupid and useless waste of time. But here is how I vote: Woman over man, Hot over not, shirt over no shirt, and I never vote for the complete loser. Oh, and in the battle for best pet, I NEVER vote for cats. Cats suck and Abby will kick the living shit out of any of your cats.

·         Literally five minutes ago some guy asked me out on a date. Besides the fact that he probably wants to chain more women in up in his basement, I told him no. Now that I look back on it, I should have given him Shmere’s phone number. The humor would have been endless.

 

  I will continue to update you on my ongoing experiment. Frankly it is getting more fun because of all the dirty sluts I am finding.  I will have you know that at least three people that I have met over the last few weeks have either been called a pig, slut, whore or disease riddled skank by another of my friends. Normally this would mean that I would seek a closer and more nourishing relationship with the girl. Now speaking of all of this, I have a theory on the mother hen. I firmly believe that she is having lesbianic fantasies of this other girl, and that’s why she is calling me a stalker. I wish she could just admit that she wants to shuck the clams instead of slandering a poor innocent man who hasn’t gotten laid since Clinton was President. (Once again, I am not attacking homosexuals. I am merely saying disgusting things; I am an equal opportunity pervert, asshole, and scumbag).

 

  Raise your hand if you pinched a nerve in your ass cheek. Hmmm, odd, only my genius cousin is raising his hand. Well I will have you know that it’s always a bad idea to try and fellate yourself. When I tell you to “go suck yourself off” it doesn’t mean that you should try it. Unless you are going to video tape it. That’s a lost art form, the pudge ball guy rolling around desperately trying to blow himself. I picture the guy rolling off the bed, waking all the children on the block, but successfully catching the tip. What is his reward? A pinched nerve in his ass! Someone who hasn’t actually performed a physical activity in 12 years manages to injure himself.  And then he announces it for the world to see.

 

  Lynn summed me up beautifully before. I am extraordinarily funny, I just need a target. My brother actually started yelling at me yesterday. He says that I missed my calling as a standup comic. Because you know, travelling from low life town to scumbag trailer park performing in front of seven illiterates and a guy with deformed arms is definitely a better option.  I was always thinking that maybe I should have been a fireman, like Billy Baldwin. He was the best fireman ever. Oh yes, I do a pretty good Rodney Dangerfield impression. Pick the guy who got no respect right? In fact when he died he got like a one sentence on CNN. Arguably one of the top five most important comics of our time, and he gets screwed even in the end. Yet in the YouTube age, I can see video of two fucking losers singing a song about Sarah Palin regularly. (Best line in that song…”If you are VP we are moving to Canada!)…Boy do I hope you guys and Debbie Charette Johnson enjoy your back bacon! What makes these granola eating, Birkenstock wearing idiots think that moving to Canada is a threat? About 6 months in when they realize that having a mole surgically removed takes six months of waiting they will be wishing they were back in Minnesota blowing their family members at holiday dinners. This was not an attack on Canada, in fact I would go visit Canada if it wasn’t -6 degrees (Celsius!) all the time.  In fact, I’ve heard such debaucherous things about Windsor that I may have to go check it out.

 

  What about Mexico? You should all find a jerk-off guy to take you there for a week. Even if you are a guy. Don’t you think the free trip would be worth it if all you had to do was spread those cheeks a few times? There is a reason for my madness. In fact my blog got fucked up by this last night. In the future I am turning off my phone when I write. I hate it when I get on a roll and someone calls and fucks it up.

 

OK…I will announce this here. Tony is going to fucking EXPLODE!!! My brother officially announced where he would like to have his bachelor party in March. Sit down for a second (why you would be standing is a problem all in itself). 

 

Greg thinks it would be a great idea for us to all go, ride on rides during the day and spend the nights getting hammered in the nightclubs…in Pleasure Island…DISNEY WORLD.  I’m actually getting scared of him.  So I have no choice but to come through with the executive decision.

A.      I over rule and book flights to New Orleans now. This way I can once again take back my city, and more than likely kill myself in the process.

B.      I secretly plot to book Vegas. Tony has never been there, and I can be assured that HE will never survive the experience.

C.      Amsterdam…because if I come back with a drug addiction and an STD I would consider it a success.

D.      Cancun during spring break. We just pretend to be the GGW crew. If you’ve ever been there you would realize that the girls are so disillusioned there that it doesn’t even matter.

E.       The Bahamas. Because at least I can gamble while getting harassed by Bahamian perverts.

F.       Disney…yeah OfuckingK…like that is happening.

 

  Last point of another 2000 word masterpiece. I have really gotten into “Psychobilly” music. It fucking rocks. It’s a cross between Punk, Rockabilly, Surf Music, and Horror Rock. My favorite band is the Nekromantix. Check them out please. All Psychobilly bands use an upright double bass to make them sound ultra cool. I can’t get enough. Anyone who wants to go to a Psychobilly festival call me now and we will rip it up. Tony just bought Doc Maartens too.

 

BTW…A cat with balls is a boy Missy. Just want to clarify that. Oh and is it Sunday yet? Because I feel a serious barfin’ coming on!

 

Lastly I want to drop a shout out to all my boys: The American Dream, Landlord Rob, Beeth, Keef, Ronnie, Kenny, Brian, Jen, Sidney, Stuart, Ruth, Brenda, Kristen, Maritza, Ngog, Steven, Eva, Mario, Mike, Ev, and Jen Russell…LOL I’m GOOD!!!

 

Anyway people of the night. It is time that I bid you Adieu…use protection please. Even though it feels terrible.

 

Love,

 

  Satan’s nylon loving sexual deviant who couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison while handing out pardons.

 

Hi Kelly Kulak! You sexy thang!!

TMMNEINTFYD!!!

 

Oh, all I want to know
All I wantWith just a touch of my burning hand
I send my astro zombies to rape the land
Prime directive, exterminate
The whole human race

And your face drops in a pile of flesh
And then your heart, heart pounds
Till it pumps in death
Prime directive, exterminate
Whatever stands left

All I wanted to say
And all I gotta do
Whod I do this for
Hey, me or you

And all I wanted to say
And all I gotta do
Whod I do this for
Hey, me or you

Oh, all I want to know
All I want

With just a touch of my burning hand
Im gonna live my life to to destroy your world
Prime directive, exterminate
The whole fuckin race

Then your face drops in a pile of flesh
And then your heart, heart pounds
And it pumps in death
Prime directive, exterminate
The whole fuckin place well

All I wanted to say
And all I gotta do
Whod I do this for
Hey, me or you

And all I wanted to say
And all I gotta do
Whod I do this for
Hey, me or you

Oh, all I want to know
All I want to know
All I want to know
All I want oh
Go