NoDak Attack

 

I started a new band. “New Kids on the Shia LeBouf”. If you are going to the NKOTB concert tomorrow night, I highly recommend that you take your own head, insert it in the toilet, and flush. Then I recommend that you take a circular saw and just remove your entire head from your body. Leave a note before hand, apologizing for the mess. Of course you could always go up the Adirondacks and do it in the woods, this way a bear will come along and eat your remains and thus eliminate the need for a note and hopefully clean up some of the blood that was caused by your need to go see a band with Donnie Wahlberg in it. Wait, did I just refer to NKOTB as a “Band”? Yeah I forgot, they were the original “Fingerbang”. Please for all that is holy, if you go see that group tomorrow night, you might as well just saw off your head. But send me the brains; I’m kind of curious what all the fuss is about. Brains have a very disturbing looking texture to me. I don’t know why, but the wrinkles and the lines are just creepy. But send me yours anyway. I’m convinced that we could keep you alive in a jar.  Rest assured however, I will not be playing “Hanging Tough” near your brain jar.

 

 

 

 

  Speaking of Shia though, he has a new movie coming out. I think it’s called Eagle Eye. I just heard that he has a movie coming out. I haven’t seen the trailers or read any reviews; I just know that it is the BEST movie of the year because I believe that this is his last movie with fingers. Someday those blown off fingers are going to be famous. It will be like a Jeopardy question, “Found on the side of a road near a flipped car in 2008”…”What are Shia LeBouf’s fingers?” That is correct for 2,000 Nathaniel!!

 

  They want to make Shia into the next big action star. I say fuck that. My line of thinking leads me to believe that Shia could be in the two best movies of all time. First would be the amateur home video of him screwing Megan Fox six ways from Sunday in every position imaginable (even the Pakistani Drill Press when Elisha Cuthbert does a cameo). The second would be the video of me showing the video of Shia pounding on Megan to Brian Austin Green. Did it just dawn on anyone else that the dude’s initials are BAG? Does any of this disturb you? Would you date a woman named Patricia Isabella Gionfranco? Come on seriously!! We can do this together. Shia is our hope; we all need to rally around him and his fingerless hand. Megan seems like a kinky bi-sexual, and I think Shia’s blown up hand might just turn her on a little bit. We can easily turn that Brian tattoo into “Shia”. In fact, I am willing to lay it on the line, if Shia can bag her from BAG, then we must all tattoo “Shia” on our bodies. Master Shake may be my choice for President, but I’m voting Shia for Best Actor. One because he is going to bring Megan back home to the world of people who aren’t complete douchebags, and two because, well he didn’t drop dead in the nude over at Mary-Kate’s place. It’s been long enough now, ok. You may be setting yourself up for a wee bit of a downfall when you move into the joint owned by an Olsen twin. I don’t know I’m just saying. Shia would never move into to Ashley’s place. He’s way smarter than that.  He knows the limits of tragedy stop at losing 4 fingers.

 

Look at his BONER!!!

  I get sick. Every time. Doesn’t matter what I eat or when I eat it I get sick. I mentioned to someone today that if I won a considerable amount of money, that I would coat myself in peanut butter and run around happily. This has nothing to do with my stomach, but if I don’t write it now, I will forget it. Back to my stomach. So I always get sick. This is how I came up with the “weird food “club. A Clique of human beings that travel up to 20 miles to experience new and different foods. Ethiopian (where I am going with Jen Eva, I will get to her later), Vietnamese (Where Ngon lives, and drives her Hyundai), Korean (To New York we go…), Mexican, Indian, Pakistani, Afghani, Dutch (Pancakes!!), and of course a token trip to Outback Steakhouse where we can taste Australia’s finest. NOW, this all having been said, I have to tell you that I am going to kick the SNOT out of Miami Mike for jabbing me with a $500 bill on Sunday. Yes, I know that I have $400 sitting in my pocket right now and have to deposit it, BUT, that place becomes numero uno on my list of severely FUCKED UP bills. You do NOT charge four people that much money during football Sunday, it’s completely ridiculous. Now you wonder why next week I am going to crawl on my hands and knees back to Janine at OD’s? Because she is a warm and loving person who doesn’t charge 8 million dollars for me to get fucked up and barfed on.

 

  I will not let this setback deter me from transforming into the superhuman that I am and heading out for the weird food club. Indeed, I understand that I will crapping my brains out ten minutes after I eat, but as long as the bathrooms aren’t holes in the floor like in Ethiopia, I expect that I will be ok. It’s those nasty bathrooms that are coated in feces that cause me major problems. Which reminds me, what is up with these flushless urinals? They stink, and they are shaped weird. Not to mention that hiding behind the guise of “environmentally friendly” is the fact that these cheap fucks are just trying to save a buck on water bills. To fight this we must all leave the sinks running in the bathrooms. Why should Ramada get away with this? I don’t need to smell some dude’s recycled beer to save you a buck. I want urinal cakes and a fully functioning pisser. In fact I want the auto flush ones so when I’m drunk I can keep twisting out of the way to try and get the thing to flush while I pee.

 

  One last time, yes we will be eating new and different foods. Mostly because we need to go out and have some fun without spending $250 on Patron shots (more on THAT, later).  Let’s do like Vietnamese or something. I want die hard Vietnamese, like dog or something. Maybe I can even pick up a stray on my way in and we can marinate it first. Oh someone call PETA! Maybe Brian Austin Green will come and smack me. I don’t kill dogs by the way. I did try to put Abby in the oven once, only because I mistook her for a meatloaf.

  

 

  How come none of you have asked why I’m not watching the “Heroes” season premiere or even Monday Night Football? Well, because you are way more important to me. And well, I don’t watch any TV show live. Not when I can skip the commercials an hour later. And as for the J-E-T-S, we learned all we need to know about them last week when Brett did his thing. They are losing like 498-10 right now, and of course the media will do their “Brett can come back!” schtick. Fuck em and fuck Brett, you never came back from SHIT! By far and away the most over rated player in NFL history, with the exception of every Eagle that shot themselves in the head.

 

  I wanted to touch on something that Lynn and I were arguing about. I completely understand the trend in the music industry that has led to this ridiculous RIAA crap and the massive amounts of illegal downloading. It’s the fault of the entire greedy ass music industry and the only people truly hurt in all of this are the artists that have careers hinging on one or two songs. You see the singles business used to be huge back in the day. 45 RPM vinyl records sold like hot cakes because if you wanted to own someone’s song you would just buy it from your local store. They were actually a more important piece of the record industry’s business. Sell a ton of 45’s and tour for 6 months and boom, success. Then along came cassettes as a viable option for listening to music while you drive. Before them, you pretty much were at the mercy of Cousin Brucie and all the “Payola” DJ’s who were paid off to play music by, you guessed it, our beloved record companies.  With cassettes, they replaced the bulky 8-Track tapes that never really stuck because of their poor quality and bulkiness. But the cassette despite being an audible nightmare with wicked hissing stuck well and became a pretty cheap option for single sales. BUT, like I said, they sound like absolute shit. Trust me; more pleasing noises come out of Shmere’s ass on a Sunday morning. So along comes the digital quality CD that the record companies KNOW could be used in an automobile given the shock absorbent technologies that had been perfected. Instead of embracing this technology, they decided that they wanted to continue to hogtie their consumers by trying to push two lame formats to replace the cassette (the DCC and the Mini-Disc, wiki them and see the drawbacks). What they didn’t foresee was that the American consumer wanted ONE option.  Now, they get greedy. No more singles. Why? Because the record companies discover that if they don’t sell singles that they can get you to buy an ENTIRE album on CD. You were much more willing to do this with CD’s because it sounded better overall and was easier to get to your favorite songs. So instead of getting $3 for a single, they get $15.99 for a full album. And this is why Chumbawumba is in your CD collection.

 

  OK, so now I have to point out that CD single sales were enormous in the UK and Mini-Disc sales were huge in Japan. Trouble didn’t start in either of those countries because the formats were properly marketed. What happens in the U.S? Well, with the advent of the CD-R all hell breaks loose. Now we can copy shit, and we have no qualms doing it because we are getting our asses ripped off. Why can we write to CD’s? Because the fucking PATENT expired and they had no choice (which is why they are always looking for new formats, and thus Blu-Ray is now a standalone format…see, but you can record to them so I’m being a bit overly-dramatic).  So after losing the battle and giving us CD-R’s Americans wanted to put all their favorite singles onto one CD.  So they went out, bought the singles, and burned a mix-CD right? Nope…Enter Shawn Fanning.  The MP3 didn’t destroy the music industry, their own stupidity and greed did. Seriously, iTunes just filled a void that these idiots should have cut off BEFORE Napster. But instead, we decided to take matters in our own hands and download “Genie in a Bottle” rather than buy “I’m a Filthy Whore” or whatever the album was called.

 

  They caused the downloading craze by being pigs. This is exactly what the movie industry will do if they keep charging $34.99 for new Blu-Rays. I just though you would all like to know this stuff. The ship has been righted a bit with these legal downloading services, but they have lost all this money on their OWN. So fuck them and download…in the nude.

 

  Got a great message from someone on Sunday saying that the Giants were walking into the classic trap game. And I disagreed. I thought the team had too much determination to give away a bad game at home. They tried their fucking hardest to cough that one up, and I’m serious, a decent coach would have beaten them in regulation because they wasted 30 seconds at the end of the game. BUT, this is the World Champs, and they know what it takes in a big spot to win a game. Even when their best player can’t get the ball, their running back looks like a truck stuck in mud, and the QB is throwing dead ducks up there, they know how to get it done. It’s funny, but in years past you looked at the schedule and said there was maybe 7 must wins, 4 probable losses and 5 swing games. This year I can see 2 probable losses (at Dallas, at Philly), 2 swing games (Home for Dallas, Home for Philly) and 12 must wins. That’s insane, but they are clearly better than everyone in this league.  They probably are right on par with the Cowboys, and the Eagles maybe until Westbrook goes down permanently and McNabb breaks something.  The difference now is more than likely the fact that their QB won’t barf on the field like McNabb or stare at Jessica Simpson (or Jason Witten’s ass if you follow my theory) when a big important drive starts.  Hey, until those playoffs happened last year, the Giants LOSE that game on Sunday and I’m having a fistfight with a girl in a Dawkins jersey. But, this team is PISSED and has a lot to prove. Let’s say they go on and win it again…I don’t think it will happen, but just for conversations sake…if they win it all, they become IMMORTAL in this town. And Brett Favre’s career gets even funnier. Anyway, you have to hope they get to 6-0 before the hell schedule starts, and now given how bad some of these teams look, 11-5 or 12-4 is a pretty good likelihood. Funny thing is, the Cowboys and Eagles could win 12 too, making those 4 games huge. Take a look at the NFC East, they are a combined 10-2 and the only losses came against EACHOTHER. Could you see 4 13-3 teams? HAHA!

 

  I literally spent an hour drumming up the cash to buy Jessica from Tony for 1.4 million dollars. Then I had to buy her back when Jackie bought her. I had to pay 2.5 million for her! Keep in mind that Jen Eva cost 50 bucks! That is some seriously hot girlie value there!! But I own Jess again and all is right in the world. And Jess and I are going on an adventure BTW…but first, a little math equation…

 

1 Bi-Sexual + 1 Very Curious Girl + 1 Guy That Would Make Everyone Comfortable DOES NOT Equal

An orgy in a hotel room (I’m just saying)

 

 

  Jessica and I are going to open a restaurant. I am starting a savings account now so we can both go to culinary school. I’m only going to pass the time with Jess, but I’m pretty psyched that we are going to move to France for 6 months while we learn about cooking and running a restaurant. When we get back we are opening a chop-house called Abby’s or YaYa’s or whatever…Perseo’s Pleasure Palace. I’m going to manage, Jess is going to cook and we are going to be millionaires. Or just make enough money to live a normal and fruitful life.  It should work out really well. We will specialize in steaks and whatever crazy dishes the chef can come up with. It won’t hurt that the cook is hot as hell and people will come in to sample her sexiness as well as the food. I‘d like something in the country, so we can live in a nice house, with lots of dogs, and Eastern European women. This will be the best restaurant ever. And I don’t care if I have to work 6 days a week. I promise the most friendly and welcoming service and Jessica promises the best food. And Yes Shmere you have to pay…I know I beat her to the punch.

 

  I’m calling out Jen Eva right now. Seriously. She leaves me no choice. I’m going to have to talk with Michelle Sarinelli. I was fully expecting to see the pictures from Alicia’s wedding and I only got to see one! Where are all the others? I will tell Jennifer that she looked positively amazing in the one picture I saw, but it’s not fair to her adoring public that I have to wait for her to send me the new pics. There are a couple other things I need to know about her, like how tall is she? I love tall girls, holy crap. I mean I love short girls too, and girls in the middle, but man those tall girls are gorgeous. So come on now Jen Eva tell me where the pics are? I know you look amazing and I’m excited to see. And please tell me you didn’t take some guido boner to the wedding. Let me guess his name was Brett Allan Giovanni? Did you take a BAG to the wedding too? BTW, tell Alicia that from the one pic that I DID see, that Gold was a great choice, you all looked lovely. Although I’m told that Alicia is a bit mean. Sort of like the Wendi to your Four Horseman? Just get me some pics Jen, and tell me when we are getting Ethiopian please. It’s very important to the safety of the universe. Although I can tell you that I do not drive a Camaro, but I do have a gold chain. I do not have a fake tan, but I am a happy fun time lover…I don’t have spiked hair or steroid muscles either…are you sure you want to meet me?

 

  One thing I will suggest to all of you. Patron shots. It’s amazing what girls will do when imbibing those things. Oh just hold the lemon in your mouth for me…oh maybe you girls should try it…I really do love Patron it’s so smooth and easy, and for some reason it doesn’t make me spew chunks. And you know you’ve had too much when you think “Did she just kiss her, WITH TONGUE?” and the guys at the table next to you give you that, “Man I wish I was you” look. It’s amazing really. I’m going to buy a Camaro right now. Oh and remember if you are reading this you can always blame someone else for what happened, or just deny it entirely. I would, seriously. Hey at least Tony didn’t end up naked right?

 

  So they closed Yankee Stadium. Ok…so? It was a dump. It was falling apart anyway. You couldn’t piss, the food was terrible and the beer was always warm. How about in this new one we all get cold beer, auto-flushing urinals and that guy from the Garden that always says “More than one shake means you playin with it!” I really don’t care all that much about Yankee Stadium closing. The new one looks great and I will go there instead. It’s just a place to sit and watch a game. Plus they suck. So there.

 

  Last thing muchachas. We are having a hottie tournament starting this week. I’m picking my favorite 64 and letting you guys duke it out again. Certain people are disqualified from the event, mainly if you are from the same blood line as me, or if you pro-created with Tony. Sorry C-Bass. I did think about you, and you are much appreciated, but I’m not causing any more problems. But look for the brackets to be announced this week. Oh, and as a juicy taste here are the 4 number one seeds:

1.       Breast Region- Jessica

2.       Butt Region – Maria

3.       Brains and Beauty Region –Michelle Wood

4.       Southern Hottie Region – Brooke

This is going to be an outright war!!! Who will win?

 

Tune in to find out!!

 

Oooooh time for a song!

 

There’s things that you guess
And things that you know
There’s boys you can trust
And girls that you don’t
There’s little things you hide
And little things that you show
Sometimes you think you’re gonna get it
But you don’t and that’s just the way it goes

I swear i won’t tease you
Won’t tell you no lies
I don’t need no bibte
Just look in my eyes
I’ve waited so long baby
Now that we’re friends
Every man’s got his patience
And here’s where mine ends

I want your sex
I want you
I want your sex

It’s playing on my mind
It’s dancing on my soul
It’s taken so much time
So why don’t you just let me go
I’d really like to try
Oh i’d really love to know
When you tell me you’re gonna regret it
Then i tell you that i love you but you still say no!

I swear i won’t tease you
Won’t tell you no lies
I don’t need no bibte
Just look in my eyes
I’ve waited so long baby
Out in the cold

I want your sex
I want your love
I want your.. Sex

It’s natural
It’s chemical (let’s do it)
It’s logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It’s sensual
But most of all…
Sex is something we should do
Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural – sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural – sex is fun
Sex is best when it’s… One on one
One on one

I’m not your father
I’m not your brother
Talk to your sister
I am a lover

C-c-c-c-come on

What’s your definition of dirty baby
What do you consider pornography
Don’t you know i love you till it hurts me baby
Don’t you think it’s time you had sex with me

What’s your definition of dirty baby
What do you call pornography
Don’t you know i love you till it hurts me baby
Don’t you think it’s time you had sex with me

Sex with me
Sex with me
Have sex with me

C-c-c-c-come on.