This is BY FAR The WORST Thing I’ve Ever Written
I’ve been getting a lot of questions about why I am so sad lately. I have chosen not to answer them. Mostly because I have no desire to answer them, but partially because while you all have good intentions, you pretty much all reiterate the same thing over and over. Wait a second that was an ungrateful and utterly stupid comment on my part. I appreciate all of your support and well wishings during my current time as a “sad oval”. I’m the living embodiment of Eeyore, that horrifically sad donkey from the Winnie the Pooh books (A very good time to point out that I know who both A.A. Milne is and Shawn Bumiller). Why? I don’t truly know, I’m sure it has to do with the wonderful train wreck that I got myself into. I’m like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable” except that every bone in my body broke, the hot girl next to me gave me her number and died, and I need a penis-ectomy. Yes, I just wanted to invent the word “penis-ectomy” and yes, Neeraj Pai, I’m sure that there is a technical term for this procedure, and I would appreciate you posting it (since most Harvard Law graduates can only post , I will give you this easy task).
That whole paragraph makes absolutely no sense. It may be the single most incoherent bunch of rubbish that I have ever written. Keep in mind that I once wrote and entire piece about Jessica Negri’s husband having sex and wiping his penis. I apologize for making all of you 10% dumber with my paragraph. Quick someone come up with something intelligent for me to say.
Oh I got it. You all have to rename your children “Ed”. All of them. It just makes it easier. “Hey, Ed is adorable!” Much easier, and much cleaner. No wading around the page looking for names, no trying to remember. It’s just Ed. Boy or girl, Ed is beautiful. All your children are. But don’t you think it’s getting silly? I mean I remember the days when all children were named Ed. Not Edward. Just Ed. Why the hell should I waste my time with more letters? Ed is perfectly acceptable. So I solved it, just change all your children’s names to Ed. If you don’t have any children, just go make some and name them Ed. In fact all sperm and eggs should be named Ed too in order to try and curb some of the confusion. My Ed just fertilized your Ed and made an Ed would be a lot easier to deal with. Besides wouldn’t you like to see all the Bible pushing Republicans fighting the dirty footed Democrats about family life and how Ed is affected by one another?
That’s the second stupidest thing I’ve ever written. I can’t break through here…
I remember a few years ago when I was in love with something called the “Turbo-Cooker” and I wrote this huge opus singing its praise. Then I used the thing like 4 times, realized that EVERYTHING tasted exactly the same, and threw it in the garbage. Anyway, Laura Lefever made a very interesting comment about my silly blog. Apparently she found something called “The Swiffer” that magically picked crap off of the floor. This is funny for me for two reasons; one because she kind of had the better call on this, and two it clearly shows just how old we are. I mean, I’m pretty sure that when I met Chris Daur, he didn’t look like Ted Knight, but then again who the hell is judging here?
So it’s product plugging time. Why would anyone spend money on advertising when they could just wait for my stupid ass to buy their dumb product and tell you all how great it is? If it’s completely non-sensical, has no real use, or is utterly superfluous, I am sure to buy it. So we should probably take a look at some of the dumb things I have wasted money on.
The Gillette Fusion Power: Granted it’s the greatest razor ever made. But did I really have to buy the one that vibrates? All that it ends up doing is pissing me off in the shower when I forget to change the batteries. That and I actually like the feel of the still razor too. The power is like a plastic, flimsy piece of shit. So annoying. What’s sweet is how Gillette really has given up by cornering like 85% of the market and competing against themselves. The Mach 3 vs. Fusion WWE commercials should tell you something. I remember the Sensor being the greatest razor ever, then the Sensor Excel, then the Mach 3, Mach 3 Turbo, and now the Fusion. All Gillette. I don’t give a shit, if Gillette makes a 54 blade razor I’m buying it. And NO, I have no idea if it works on legs or bikinis. But I would be willing to come and test it for you.
Pheromone Infused Cologne: NOTHING says loser like this one. I’ve seen a full increase of like zero attention when wearing it. Unless I’m supposed to count Shmere flashing her boobs at strangers. It’s kind of like Sex Panther Cologne except it smells like Obsession. Never once have I had women crawling all over me like a beer commercial. But I will keep plugging away at that one.
The Neti Pot: This one goes down as the CREEPIEST thing I’ve ever purchased. Yes I will give Jackie credit for introducing me to the plastic jug that pours water through my nose. I even fell for the theory that it can get you high (Like drowning yourself isn’t an opiate?). So now three times a day I pour lukewarm water through this “pot” and it goes through one nostril and out the other. Once again, not the best thing for making friends. My stupid drunken brother actually used it the other day. This is the same kid that won’t share a soda can, but obviously could care less about jamming a plastic jug in his nose that was up mine an hour before. It works though. Pretty damn good. Although I have to mention that right now I feel like I’ve been swimming for like six hours. And no, I wasn’t swimming with hot girls; no I was swimming with big fat guys with hairy backs. Otherwise it seems to be a pretty reasonable product that I would recommend. Of course if you are going to put something up your nose…scratch that, not my thing.
Brian: I didn’t purchase a Brian yet. In fact my wallet is a little bit thin, but I do hear that they are 79.99 at Walmart. Look I don’t know who Heather Kappes’ boyfriend Brian is, hell I barely have a grasp on who Heather is…but her boyfriend looks like the nicest fucking guy I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I’ve never seen someone that I have to go out with (with a penis I presume) more than this guy. He makes me feel all better about myself. Shit! It’s not even possible for this guy to make me feel so happy. His smile is like leaking LSD or something. I’m definitely not going to switch hit, but I have this feeling that Brian is going to take Perseo’s place as my non-celebrity man-crush. If I could smile like him, I wouldn’t pay for anything. How the hell does anyone charge him for anything??? Do you think if he strolls into the Empire Diner at 4 am, that someone is gonna whack him with a bill for 24.99? Please!! He’s that warm and friendly looking. I’m all about the Brian. Of course, now that I see he scored a Heather, I kinda want a Heather too. I mean what kind of girl gets a Brian? She’s gotta be made of diamonds or something. Now I’m all over her if things don’t work out with Brian. And If I ended up sleeping with her, I would politely ask her to call me Brian. Of course, I would never root for someone to lose a relationship with Brian. I wish them luck.
Sorry Perseo, I’ve found another. But I do hope that Jessica finds her ring.
I’m done plugging products, even though I didn’t plug anything. Don’t spend your money on shit. Like why would I get obsessed with vinyl LP’s again? Who gives a fuck if they are warmer? I’ve been jamming to a low-grade iPod music selection for 3 years plus. I need a drink, if I was only allowed to.
Now commence the gay comments about my Brian crush. But be aware, Shmere promised to punch you in the face if you screw with me. So there.
Blah, blah, this one sucked butt-hair.
