My GOD does it feel good to know that I now work in an office filled with a bunch of degenerate gamblers. We are all ready to rig the four LCD T.V’s and watch 16 straight games in the office next Thursday and Friday. From what I can sere there will only be tension during the Pittsburgh game and the Villanova game. Otherwise, we will just throw punches over who will be taking home the big ass Grand Prize. Nothing beats the ridiculous run of college basketball that basically starts tonight. Now if we could only get to 10 O’clock I can start indulging myself. I am whole-heartedly rooting for the following teams over the next two weeks::
Villanova- Because I went to school there…dumbasses. If you didn’t know that, you are not my friend. If you are not my friend, you lick peoples dicks. If you like to lick dicks, then you shit in a bucket. and have two assholes. Asshole.
The other big tournament is actually going to take place right here in this blog. The 2009 Hottest Woman Alive tournament. Much like the NCAA tournament I will be looking very feverishly at the regular season record of all the beauties. Facebook has actually allowed me to expand this tournament into a full 64 woman battle. I will probably make my page public for the festivities so feel free to check it out and see the lovely hunnies who will battle for the coveted prize of HWA 2009. Did you want a sneak peak of what is going to happen? Well, Maybe I should give you the 4 #1 seeds for my tournament. OK, fine I will.
EAST- Jessica Negri. The Hottest woman alive for three years running. She has a butt like a six year old boy and no one takes a sexier picture than her. Although Perseo takes a pretty damn hot photo too. WEST- Domenika. I am not posting her last name because she has had trouble in the past. But let me make one thing clear, Jess has some ridiculously hot friends. SOUTH- Stacy Graef. Yeah I know, another member of the Crandell crew. But what do you expect? MIDWEST- Maria Chrysson. I’m just not going to pull any punches. It is quite possible that Jess has the HOTTEST collection of female friends on Earth.
Speaking of the Juicy one. It was her birthday today. So say Happy Birthday to her, and start the bus because we are all going to party like Brian Orlowski at a trade show this weekend.
So earlier today I prank called P.F. Changs in Weehawkin for what has to be the 30th time this month. My damn phone is addicted to pantsing them. I know. I sit on the “P” button, which brings up P.F. and then I hit the send button. I can only imagine how many pissed off hostesses there are If you would like to start pantsing the P.F. Changs, feel free to call them at 201-866-7790. Just call them and put the phone down. They will keep saying hello, and maybe if we are lucky they will change their numbers!
Another interesting piece of news I found today was that Burger King is planning on starting “The Whopper Bar”. A slimmed down version of a full sized BK, this baby will specialize in all sorts of Whoppers and the like. I could really care less about this, considering I am strictly a Whopper with cheese guy, but I can see how this is huge news for the obese pigs of this country.
I was talking to Khloe Kardashian today. Well, actually I talked to her and she didn’t respond. But hey, it’s worth a shot right? I like her a lot. I kinda want to do naughty things to her body. I like that she has meat on her bones, is crazy, and got nailed for a DWI. I am officially announcing on my pages that I will bed her. Whether she will be the bottom slice of the Mike sandwich with Alison Sweeney on top remains to be seen. But I am totally going for it. I am definitely keeping up with the Kardashians.
BTW Chellee…HERE: http://twitter.com/kimsaprincess
I gave the finger to blind guy on American Idol. He totally didn’t see it!
Let’s talk about the people I am following on Twitter. I am crazy about the fact that I am listening the the wise words of Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Dr. Drew, Demi and Ashton, Burger King, and The Cope. Life begins and ends with Twitter and Tweetdeck. And the hot rumor is that Tweet Deck will become Face Deck shortly as well. It’s going to be a crazy connected world for me and the ladies that I stalk.
How much do I really have to say at this point? After having my shit stolen in my new office last week, I am a bit numb. I have to get a new bag and replace the Flip Mino camera. The only good news is that I will get a Flip Mino HD camera. We can now post all of your favorite Nick Videos in stunning 720p High Definition.
No reason to delay the inevitable. I am going to fuck around now. I just don’t feel like entertaining you anymore. If you are that bored you can totally go and read one of the four million articles about Alex Rodriguez. You know the guy that NO ONE gives a shit about? Well, apparently he used steroids and got hip surgery. He’s like the Lindsay Lohan of sports. No one gives a flying shit, but they still inundate us with all of his crap. I don’t care if he threw his dick in Madonna’s mom at this point. I wouldn’t flinch if I found out that he tossed Chris Angle’s salad. But of course if he DID toss that salad, he would probably have an awful case of muck mouth right now.
I did however, find a fantastic soundboard recording of a Black Sabbath concert from 1975 in Asbury Park. What is totally awesome about this show is that they played Megalomania live on this tour. So I finally got that pristine copy of Live “Megalomania” that I never thought I would hear.(ED NOTE: This same recording is apparently on the “Past Lives” CD) I totally understand that they will probably tour at least one more time, and that there will be a slight chance that they will play that song, but I would not bank on it. Especially with the ticket prices and fees lately, you have a better chance of seeing me at a bull riding event than a rock concert at this stage of the game. I will note that even 35 years ago Ozzy had trouble hitting all the notes in that song, which of course means that he would completely butcher it today anyhow.
And while we are on the topic of music, I suppose I will tell you that the Kelly Clarkson album “All I Ever Wanted” is the return the form that everyone is saying it was supposed to be. Pretty much expect to be flooded with KC songs on the radio for the next 6 months. Although I am still banging out to Lil Wayne’s “Prom Queen” right now as the best guilty shit on the radio. Dolla Dolla Bill Yo?
While writing this, I was listening to "Sweetest Girl (Dollar Bill) [feat. Akon, Lil Wayne & Niia]" by Wyclef Jean
Just realized that Virginia Commonwealth (VCU) beat George Mason to earn a bid in the field of 65. This of course means that the most famous alumni of the school will be excited. Can you name them? I will give you a video hint followed by a large picture for the answer!
YUP….FUCKING GWAR!!!
OK Goodnight and may George Clooney sneak his little winkie in your tight butthole tonight!
La la la, la la la
La la la, la la la
Oh baby baby have you seen Amy tonight?
Is she in the bathroom is she smokin’ up outside? Oh
Oh baby baby does she take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’mma buy her do you know just what she likes? Oh
Oh oh, tell me have you seen her? Because I’m so oh
I can’t get her off of my brain
I just want to go to the party she gonna go
Can somebody take me home?
Ha ha, he he, ha ha ho
Love me hate me, say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, but can’t you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, la la la, la la la
Amy told me that she’s gonna meet me up
I don’t know where or when and now they’re closing up the club, oh
I’ve seen her once or twice but boy she knows my face
But it’s hard to see with all the people standing in the way, oh
Oh oh, tell me have you seen her, because I’m so oh
I can’t get her off of my brain
I just want to go to the party she gonna go
Can somebody take me home?
Ha ha, he he, ha ha ho
Love me hate me, say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, but can’t you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me
Oh, so what you want about me?
Oh, but can’t you see what I see?
Oh, so what you want about me?
La la la, la la la
So tell me if you see her
‘Cause I’ve been waiting here forever
Oh baby baby if you seek Amy tonight
Oh baby baby we’ll do whatever you like
Oh baby baby baby
Oh baby baby baby
La la la, la la la
La la la, la la la
Love me hate me, say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, but can’t you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, say what you want about me, yeah
Love me hate me, but can’t you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me
Oh, so what you want about me?
Oh, but can’t you see what I see?
Love me hate me
Oh, so what you want about me?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
You know you are completely out of shape when you play Wii Sports for an hour while hopped up on Ambien and then you can’t move the next day without feeling like a fresh fucked carp. I am actually kind of inspired to buy Wii fit. Although, I was just told that there is a secret Wii plug-in that allows you to turn your Wii-mote into a giant sex toy, like a dildo, vibrator or big burly fucking butt plug. Then you get your own model to poke, prod, and violate. What’s even better than all of this is that you can actually post someone’s body parts on top of the models. So if you have pictures of people (such as Jessica or Perseo), or even have snapshots of people in the bathtub, you can humiliate them buy using your Wii-Fuck on them! How unbelievably cool is that??
While writing this, I was listening to "Didn’t Mean To Fall In Love" by Boston
Hey, my new plug in seems to work very well! I really don’t like that song though. I like Boston’s second album “Don’t Look Back” a lot more every time I listen to it. In fact I was even considering listing a follow up to my top ten albums of all time with a companion “Top Ten Albums of the First Ten Bands that AREN’T the Top Ten Albums” you understand. If you go by my original list, I would give you the SECOND best album by each of these bands. I can do this real quick with my new Live Writer Plugins. Check out the new Bullets plug in!
The Beach Boys, “Wild Honey”
The Rolling Stones, “Sticky Fingers”
I was just checking to see if you were paying attention to that one! Ha! BTW I like the later Led Zeppelin stuff more than the early stuff. And don’t forget that these are my SECOND favorite albums by these artists. They are in no order that matters. I just threw them together as fast as google would let me.
Anyone for a serious discussion now? Me neither. Let’s talk about how I have a new to do list. Well, actually, the only thing I really want to do is kick the holy shit out of that “Little Bit of Luck” motherfucker. I seriously hate that fucking bastard. If some disproportioned weirdo came up to me and started waxing about the fucking lottery to me I would probably punt his little ass half way across third avenue. This is why I don’t go into New York anymore. Shit like that doesn’t happen in Jersey. Midget fuckers with huge heads don’t start singing with the 7-11 guy. In Jersey they kick you in the fucking balls and steal your lottery ticket. Then they go buy houses in Netcong. I’m just saying.
I am going to KILL that guy. I am officially calling his fat ass out. Wherever you are “Little Bit of Go Fuck Yourself” call me and I promise to smash your face through a door.
I was thinking about the merits of getting a little bit violent. But my belly hurts right now and I am in no mood for weird ass midget things. Sorry.
I watched “How the West Was Won” today in “Smilevision”. Basically they used three cameras to try and create a 3-D effect in 1962. I don’t know, it basically just made a curved screen and looked distorted. But the movie was pretty cool. If I was 30 in 1962 I would definitely want to bang Debbie Reynolds. And yes you don’t have to tell me that Eddie Fisher banged her and made Princess Leia. I am well aware of it. Dorks. This is a real good place to try out my IMDB widget! Sweet.
How the West Was Won
Carroll Baker, Henry Fonda, Karl Malden, George Peppard, Debbie Reynolds, Eli Wallach,
Oh fucking so cool. I am just going to play with my dumb ass new toys. Yes, I understand that by even watching this movie, or mentioning Debbie Reynolds I am halfway to being gay. Oh well. It’s not Like I am going to watch “Mommie Dearest” with Joan Crawford’s daughter. I can’t find a great picture of Debbie anyway. She’s still cute to be honest for an old lady. Carrie Fisher looks like a pig though. How funny is that?
Hey check out this Video of Artie Lange.
He looks GOOD huh? I feel so terrible for him. His story is really awful. You should read his book to get the true idea. Don’t ask to borrow my copy, go fucking buy your own. Cheap assholes. And while you are at it, watch “Beer League”
Beer League
Artie Lange, Anthony DeSando, Jimmy Palumbo, Laurie Metcalf, Michael Deeg, Maddie Corman,
…oh and feel free to laugh it up when I head out onto the field in my BDizzle jersey to play softball with the Barooshians and Scelsos!!
While writing this, I was listening to "Everything I Own" by Bread
HAHA!! I fucking love this shit. I am amusing the living hell out of myself. Can you tell that I have NOTHING to say right now? Do you want to know why? Because other than that bullshit “Little Bit O’ Fuck” guy, I have nothing to complain about. Here’s why I have nothing to complain about:
1. There is some money in my bank. I even managed to pay off some money to my friends, the dickface dentist (He’s done), the overpriced shrink, and bought myself some new toys.
2. MILF Porn is my new obsession. My god do I enjoy MILF porn. In fact who doesn’t enjoy MILF porn? Welcome to the new millenium where being old is HOT!!
3. My Warehouse is clean. Hey it’s the little things. Like a new inventory system, 32 foot high ceilings, and racks. OOH that makes me think of MILFS!
4. I was at the train station the other day and it must have been nylon day. My God. Good thing they have bathrooms on the train because I was very hot. And the girl I met on the train was too!!
5. Brian Dawkins left the Eagles for Denver. Fuck you Philly asshole fans!! You SUCK! He was the FACE of your defense. You just let him walk. Well, maybe he will win a championship like Reggie did right? And shut up with your Phillies crap. No one cares about baseball anymore.
6. I am following Shaq, Ashton and Demi, and Britney on Twitter. So retarded. I am most proud of my dirty relationship with Soleil Moon Frye though.
While writing this, I was listening to "A Hard Road" by Black Sabbath
HAHA!!! Fucking A!
OK fine, I’m bored now. I leave you with this:
Old men crying, young men dying
World still turns as Father Time looks on
On and on
Children playing, dreamers praying
Laughter turns to tear as love has gone
Has it gone?
Oh, it’s a hard road
Oh, it’s a hard road
Whirlwind churning, lovers learning
On this path of life we can’t back down
Is it wrong?
Widows weeping, babies sleeping
Life becomes the singer and the song
Sing along
Oh, it’s a hard road
Carry your own load
Why make the hard road?
Why can’t we be friends?
No need to hurry
We’ll meet in the end
Why make the hard road?
Why can’t we be friends?
No need to worry
Let’s sing it again
Brother’s sharing, mother’s caring
Nightime falling victim to the dawn
Shadows small
Days are crawling, time is calling
To the Earth that not that life has gone
Love line drawn
Oh, it’s a hard road
Carry your own load
Oh, it’s a hard road
Oh, it’s a hard road…
We’re living in sorrow, we’re living the best
And look to the future, `cause life goes together now
We’re living in sorrow, we’re living the best
And look to the future, `cause life goes together now
We’re living in sorrow, we’re living the best
And look to the future, `cause life goes together now…
You know you are completely out of shape when you play Wii Sports for an hour while hopped up on Ambien and then you can’t move the next day without feeling like a fresh fucked carp. I am actually kind of inspired to buy Wii fit. Although, I was just told that there is a secret Wii plug-in that allows you to turn your Wii-mote into a giant sex toy, like a dildo, vibrator or big burly fucking butt plug. Then you get your own model to poke, prod, and violate. What’s even better than all of this is that you can actually post someone’s body parts on top of the models. So if you have pictures of people (such as Jessica or Perseo), or even have snapshots of people in the bathtub, you can humiliate them buy using your Wii-Fuck on them! How unbelievably cool is that??
While writing this, I was listening to "Didn’t Mean To Fall In Love" by Boston
Hey, my new plug in seems to work very well! I really don’t like that song though. I like Boston’s second album “Don’t Look Back” a lot more every time I listen to it. In fact I was even considering listing a follow up to my top ten albums of all time with a companion “Top Ten Albums of the First Ten Bands that AREN’T the Top Ten Albums” you understand. If you go by my original list, I would give you the SECOND best album by each of these bands. I can do this real quick with my new Live Writer Plugins. Check out the new Bullets plug in!
I was just checking to see if you were paying attention to that one! Ha! BTW I like the later Led Zeppelin stuff more than the early stuff. And don’t forget that these are my SECOND favorite albums by these artists. They are in no order that matters. I just threw them together as fast as google would let me.
Anyone for a serious discussion now? Me neither. Let’s talk about how I have a new to do list. Well, actually, the only thing I really want to do is kick the holy shit out of that “Little Bit of Luck” motherfucker. I seriously hate that fucking bastard. If some disproportioned weirdo came up to me and started waxing about the fucking lottery to me I would probably punt his little ass half way across third avenue. This is why I don’t go into New York anymore. Shit like that doesn’t happen in Jersey. Midget fuckers with huge heads don’t start singing with the 7-11 guy. In Jersey they kick you in the fucking balls and steal your lottery ticket. Then they go buy houses in Netcong. I’m just saying.
I am going to KILL that guy. I am officially calling his fat ass out. Wherever you are “Little Bit of Go Fuck Yourself” call me and I promise to smash your face through a door.
I was thinking about the merits of getting a little bit violent. But my belly hurts right now and I am in no mood for weird ass midget things. Sorry.
I watched “How the West Was Won” today in “Smilevision”. Basically they used three cameras to try and create a 3-D effect in 1962. I don’t know, it basically just made a curved screen and looked distorted. But the movie was pretty cool. If I was 30 in 1962 I would definitely want to bang Debbie Reynolds. And yes you don’t have to tell me that Eddie Fisher banged her and made Princess Leia. I am well aware of it. Dorks. This is a real good place to try out my IMDB widget! Sweet.
How the West Was Won
Carroll Baker, Henry Fonda, Karl Malden, George Peppard, Debbie Reynolds, Eli Wallach,
Oh fucking so cool. I am just going to play with my dumb ass new toys. Yes, I understand that by even watching this movie, or mentioning Debbie Reynolds I am halfway to being gay. Oh well. It’s not Like I am going to watch “Mommie Dearest” with Joan Crawford’s daughter. I can’t find a great picture of Debbie anyway. She’s still cute to be honest for an old lady. Carrie Fisher looks like a pig though. How funny is that?
Hey check out this Video of Artie Lange.
He looks GOOD huh? I feel so terrible for him. His story is really awful. You should read his book to get the true idea. Don’t ask to borrow my copy, go fucking buy your own. Cheap assholes. And while you are at it, watch “Beer League”
Beer League
Artie Lange, Anthony DeSando, Jimmy Palumbo, Laurie Metcalf, Michael Deeg, Maddie Corman,
…oh and feel free to laugh it up when I head out onto the field in my BDizzle jersey to play softball with the Barooshians and Scelsos!!
While writing this, I was listening to "Everything I Own" by Bread
HAHA!! I fucking love this shit. I am amusing the living hell out of myself. Can you tell that I have NOTHING to say right now? Do you want to know why? Because other than that bullshit “Little Bit O’ Fuck” guy, I have nothing to complain about. Here’s why I have nothing to complain about:
1. There is some money in my bank. I even managed to pay off some money to my friends, the dickface dentist (He’s done), the overpriced shrink, and bought myself some new toys.
2. MILF Porn is my new obsession. My god do I enjoy MILF porn. In fact who doesn’t enjoy MILF porn? Welcome to the new millenium where being old is HOT!!
3. My Warehouse is clean. Hey it’s the little things. Like a new inventory system, 32 foot high ceilings, and racks. OOH that makes me think of MILFS!
4. I was at the train station the other day and it must have been nylon day. My God. Good thing they have bathrooms on the train because I was very hot. And the girl I met on the train was too!!
5. Brian Dawkins left the Eagles for Denver. Fuck you Philly asshole fans!! You SUCK! He was the FACE of your defense. You just let him walk. Well, maybe he will win a championship like Reggie did right? And shut up with your Phillies crap. No one cares about baseball anymore.
6. I am following Shaq, Ashton and Demi, and Britney on Twitter. So retarded. I am most proud of my dirty relationship with Soleil Moon Frye though.
While writing this, I was listening to "A Hard Road" by Black Sabbath
HAHA!!! Fucking A!
OK fine, I’m bored now. I leave you with this:
Old men crying, young men dying
World still turns as Father Time looks on
On and on
Children playing, dreamers praying
Laughter turns to tear as love has gone
Has it gone?
Oh, it’s a hard road
Oh, it’s a hard road
Whirlwind churning, lovers learning
On this path of life we can’t back down
Is it wrong?
Widows weeping, babies sleeping
Life becomes the singer and the song
Sing along
Oh, it’s a hard road
Carry your own load
Why make the hard road?
Why can’t we be friends?
No need to hurry
We’ll meet in the end
Why make the hard road?
Why can’t we be friends?
No need to worry
Let’s sing it again
Brother’s sharing, mother’s caring
Nightime falling victim to the dawn
Shadows small
Days are crawling, time is calling
To the Earth that not that life has gone
Love line drawn
Oh, it’s a hard road
Carry your own load
Oh, it’s a hard road
Oh, it’s a hard road…
We’re living in sorrow, we’re living the best
And look to the future, `cause life goes together now
We’re living in sorrow, we’re living the best
And look to the future, `cause life goes together now
We’re living in sorrow, we’re living the best
And look to the future, `cause life goes together now…
I can’t believe that this is yet another year without a true BEETH-day. Why is it that we only get a BEETH-day every four years? I mean seriously, we really need a Barn night one of these days. We can totally get hammered and dance on the bar barefoot.
I know what you all are thinking. I haven’t written shit in two weeks, and the best I can come up with is some damn back door BEETH joke. Well, what the hell do you want from me? I have been working like a mother pig having her swollen, sore teats suckled on by 25 horny little piglets. And yes, every time i think of engorged mammary glands I think of BEETH jokes. Remember our T-Shirts? The ones that said F.O.B (Friends of Beeth) or even the Roast Beeth T-Shirts?
In honor of my new offices, I really should give you guys a true taste of the top ten funniest things about work and why I find them so funny. If you haven’t heard my impressions, then you are an unlucky bastard because chances are while your back was turned I was making fun of you. But it was a good impression and you would have laughed. Editors NOTE: I am not referring to Lynn in any of these statements. I have tried my best to avoid insulting the cope in any way. None of this is an inside joke pertaining to her. END Editors note.
YEAH HOT.
So when are we all celebrating BEETH day? I haven’t spoken to her this week, but we totally need to take her out. (Does anyone know if the popcorn is done yet?) Oh and Happy Birthday to all of Eric’s kids. I know that one of them just turned 3 the day before my BDay! Ha ha, Chellee jokes all over tonight! And if you don’t know, once again, THE AMERICAN DREAM is really the father of all of your children. Just admit it to yourself, you all lusted after him and he fathered your children. Unfortunately he really can’t afford the child support, so you might want to see if Maury will take you guys on the show. Come to think of it, SHE did love that show right?
Wait, DID I make any illegitimate kids in Canada?
OK, fine, here are my favorite things about work. In my new office, in another town, with four monitors, two computers and a BEETH screensaver. OH, if you happen to be pregnant with my child and it is a girl, I would like it to be named Amy Beth Michelle. Thank you.
“You want a Salmon BEBE?”
OK, so picture the chicken place. Yes, we don’t go there anymore because it was by the old building. But it was this disgusting, dingy, nasty Portuguese BBQ joint. Churuscawhateverthefuck place. And the chicken was crazy good, mostly because it was probably a cat or something. We saw our fair share of screwballs in this place; “watches, CD’s” Korean guy, Jumpin Jumblies Girl, Maria “That IS NOT my baby”, Silvia, and Willow the Owner. But nothing has even come close to the waitress from the last year or so. She is maybe 5’ 8” tall and utterly GHASTLY. She’s got a nice body, with huge fake boobs. But other than that she looks like Chris Brown parked his Hummer on her face, and she has bigger hands than Shaq. What makes her utterly priceless is his senseless use of the word “Baby” at the end of every sentence. If that wasn’t bad enough, her accent makes it sound like a bad bad pair of French Jeans…”How are you, BEBE!” It’s kind of like saying “BAYBAY” really fast. Try it…Her funniest line bar FAR is “You want a salmon bebe?” Sure when you see it written it makes no sense but given the context you nearly shit yourself when you hear it.
“Can I have the Salmon?”
“You want a SALMON BEBE??”
“Yes, the Salmon. And a Diet Coke.”
“You want a diet coke Bebe?”
I am so going to miss her…
“Make a LEFT on FUCKING ROOOOSEVELT!”
Say it the correct way. “Make a left on Roosevelt”. Simple enough. Just follow the road until you see the Sign for Roosevelt Ave. and make a left. Nothing exciting about that at all. To understand why this is piss yourself hysterical, you need to know a few things:
- Every fucking road in Carteret is named Roosevelt. If you go any direction, you are on Roosevelt. Whenever someone gives you directions they inevitably tell you to take Roosevelt. The problem is that there are 12 Roosevelts. You will go through every stop sign and cross a Roosevelt. There you will follow Roosevelt and then you end at ROOSEVELT! So no matter what, you will be taking Roosevelt.
- The word is pronounced “Rose” ah-velt. Like the Presidents. But when the master of packaging puppets says the word it becomes “Roooos” ah-velt.
- So now we have the Latin accent, with the labyrinth of Roosevelt’s and we get the masterful phrase:
- “Just go left on FUCKING ROOSEVELT”
Once again you have to hear my accent on this one, because it is totally on the money. This line of speaking goes hand in hand with some others like:
“Let’s go to fucking DYNASTY” (The bakery on Liberty avenue called Oasis”)
“Let’s just have some fucking TUNA” ( Well we kind of just wanted to eat pizza…)
“YOU CAN’T NOT DO THAT!!” (Really self explanatory. )
“This is CRITICAL” and finally “I wan’t to cuuuuuuuummm!”
So now when you are in Carteret or your husbands are trying to track me down and kill me, remember that I work with Blake and Zach, former Sensei’s at Tiger Schulman’s. And keep in mind that if you are looking, all you have to do is make a fucking left on ROOOSEVELT.
‘
“The Cheeping” Department
Courtesy of my sweet shipping coordinator who joins the rest of my staff in saying “Prodoooktion” instead of “Production” But its not that egregious of a mistake when you consider that when the lady gets on the intercom and bellows into the 300,000 square foot warehouse, “Mike please come to the Cheeping department!”
I still have no idea where the cheeping department is, and apparently everyone else in the office feels the same way after asking one another where the cheeping department was. We still can’t find it. But we look forward to multiple trips to the Cheeping department in the future.
“Perry Ellis”
OK. This is where I point out that the people that have worked for me over the years have given me their heart and soul. they never took anything from me (well except that one). And these people are mostly bi-lingual. I can barely speak ENGLISH and they speak both. So it’s OK to make light of the fact that accents and trained tongues have a difficult time with certain words meant for the other language. In this case it is Perry Ellis. The double R should be rolled in Spanish as should be the Double L. In English, we have no super combo attacks. Sucks. But let me try and tell you what Perry Ellis sounds like in the Production office.
“PERRRRRREEEEELLLLISSSSS”
“Can you get me bill o materials for PERRREEEEELLLLLISSS??
“Sure, um are you ok? Do you need a lobotomy?
“Get Your Ass to Carteret!
Direct from Total Recall, we have the Swarzenegger of the classic film where instead of Mars, the main character goes to Carteret.
You blabbed Quaid,,,You BLABBED about CARTERET!”
“You got what you wanted now give Carteret Aaehhhrrrr.”
Finally, for now because I am BOMBED over here. I introduce you all to Blake. The man whom My brother has tried to kiss and hug for two weeks. Blake is 23 and a virtual virgin. Greg just wants to kiss him on the lips and prove his superiority. Last week, Nick was lusting over Blake’s lips and Blake heard his banter. He could only be sweet and smile back coyly. The next day, as Greg was leaving, Nick tried to leave him with a smooch, but Greg did not find this amusing. Joanne and Brenden had seen the act and now believe the two to be homosexuals. Good for me, bad for them.
I will finish these up tomorrow. Some Topics:
1. Sweater Dresses.
2. Leggings.
3. Prometheus.
4. How Jessica has become the sought after woman on Earth.
5. Is Domenika back yet?
OK,Night Night My BEETH Heads! We shall party ….
hide myself inside the shadows of shame
The silent symphonies were playing their game
My body echoed to the dreams of my soul
This god is something that I could not control
Where can I run to now?
The joke is on me
No sympathizing god is insanity, yeah
Why don’t you just get out of my life, yeah?
Why don’t you just get out of my life now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone, yeah?
Obsessed with fantasy, possessed with my schemes
I mixed reality with pseudogod dreams
The ghost of violence was something I seen
I sold my soul to be the human obscene
How could it poison me?
The dream of my soul
How did my fantasies take complete control, yeah?
Why don’t you just get out of my life, yeah?
Why don’t you just get out of my life now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone now?
Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone, yeah?
Well I feel something’s taken me I don’t know where
It’s like a trip inside a separate mind
The ghost of tomorrow from my favorite dream
Is telling me to leave it all behind
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Got to get to happiness, want no more of sorrow
How I lied, went to hide
How I tried to get away from you now
Am I right if I fight?
That I might just get away from you now
Sting me!
Well I feel something’s giving me the chance to return
It’s giving me the chance of saving my soul
Beating the demigod, I’m fading away
I’m going backwards but I’m in control
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Getting back to sanity, providence of sorrow
Was it wise to disguise
How I tried to get away from you now
Is there a way that I could pay
Or is it true I have to stay with you now?
How I lied, went to hide
How I tried to get away from you now
Am I right if I fight?
That I might just get away from you now
Suck me!
I’m really digging schizophrenia the best of the earth
I’ve seized my soul in the fires of hell
Peace of mind eluded me, but now it’s all mine
I simply try, but he wants me to fail
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Now I’ve found my happiness, providence of sorrow
No more lies, I got wise
I despise the way I worshipped you yeah
Now I’m free, can’t you see
And now instead I won’t be led by you now
Free!
More like a post than an article of any importance, I have decided to give to you, the loyal readers and habitual masturbators, a simple yet functional glossary of how stupid people communicate. This should make it easier to understand what is going on in the world today. Read the following list and you will all understand what the common folk are saying. I promise that you don’t need an English degree from East Hanover University to decipher these –isms.
1. BUDDUP!! means “Hello, how are you doing this fine morning? How was your evening last night? Did you enjoy champagne, caviar and biscotti?”. The amount of D’s and U’s can vary depending on the overall mood. Therefore BUDDDDDDDDUUUUPPPP!! may mean something like, “Hey! I had a very enjoyable evening at the opera last night. Did you enjoy the Three Tenors?”. Do not confuse this term with S’UP which is more colloquial in fashion and refers to simple dinners or cocktails.
2. I HERE YA ultimately means that this person is “understanding the meaning of what it is that you are saying”. Unfortunately, the verb is actually to HEAR, however because common folk have difficulty with homonyms, it becomes very laborious for them to express this emotion. Often, I HERE YA is used at moments where the commoner will have no interest in what you are saying, or has no true constructive comment to make about the situation or thought. By using I HERE YA, the commoner can quickly divert from the topic and return to a discussion about being anally violated.
3. OF COARSE is yet another term that comes to pass with a double meaning. While confusing the term’s “course” and “coarse” the commoner is not only mistaken in homonym sense, but also attempting to be clever by using an adjective that describes a PHYSICAL feeling. For example, “the bottom of my long, flat, feet is very coarse due to my insistence upon walking barefoot.” While the commoner does not realize this difference it is important to understand that there is the misguided double meaning. This term is also a quick response term used to either end or steer the conversation back to the commoners command.
4. YOUR understandably is a mistake made by a lot of individuals and is a difficult term to grasp. When using the term YOUR, the commoner is trying to say “You are” as in “You are an auto auction legend”. However, when trying to convey this point, the commoner will attempt to trick you into believing the POSSESSIVE statement made by YOUR. The statement now reads, “Your an auto auction legend”, meaning you actually possess your own auto auction legend, presumably to whom you are married. Do not succumb to this trickery, you do not actually own an Auto Auction.
OK, I couldn’t think of a better pic.
5. SHEESH a common folk way of avoiding the use of the religious term “Jesus”. Most notably, the term “Jeez” is used to help differentiate between the element of exasperation and the sacrilege of taking the lord’s name in vain. By saying SHEESH the commoner may actually believe that they are being cute and not realizing that clearly are a jackass. The term SHEESH has been banned in 37 states including New Jersey and Canada.
SHEESH KEBAB!!!
6. YUPPERS is meant to explain extreme accord. The commoner completely agrees with your statement and is actually willing to continue the path of the current conversation. When engaged in a quick discussion, YUPPERS will give a emphatic agreement and ensure that the commoner will at least attempt to follow through on their statements. Be aware however that YUPPERS may be used as an intentional deceit if you become too comfortable with the commoner use of the term.
YUPPERS!!
7. BIZZA is a commoner tool of bringing his or her friends down to their level. By using the term BIZZA, the commoner hopes to make you feel as though it is acceptable to be a beer swilling, burping, farting, bar dancing waste of flesh. The term much like BUDDUP can be extended to different lengths depending on the excitement of the statement. For example, “YO BUDDUP BIZZZZZAAA!!!” is meant to say, “How are you today you fat, nasty, bitch?”
BIZZA BIZZA WAH WAH!!
8. BOWLEGGED is a sexual term used to explain the vanilla sex that occurred the previous night. The commoner WANTS you to believe that they were made love to so passionately that their legs are still numb hours later. By claiming that they are BOWLEGGED, the commoner is hoping you will think they were fucked good and hard the night before, however, they were ultimately bedded for 8 minutes of boring missionary sex. Often the commoner will ask if you are BOWLEGGED, either way the answer is a trap. Either the commoner is looking for a reason to brag about his or her terrible sex, or will trap you into admitting that you were made BOWLEGGED by their husband or wife.
9. GANNA is a grossly misspelled alternative to the word “GONNA” which is a commoner term for “going to”. For example, “I’m GANNA get BOWLEGGED tonight when he bangs my ass”. There is no excuse for this mistake, and therefore we must assume that the commoner is a complete idiot.
10. 0 or ZERO as opposed to O or the letter O. Understand that people who do this are either lazy, stupid, retarded, or all three. More than likely they are all three. EXAMPLE, “I l0ve y0u”.
An example statement from a commoner:
“BUDDUP BIZZA, OF COARSE I HERE YA. YOUR GANNA get BOWLEGGED tonight when he gets you! YUPPERS! I’m GANNA get me some in the butt too, SHEESH!”
OK, no one told me that there was a new Lamb of God album coming out. Well, I figured it out myself, thanks a real bunch people. Now I can go back to my regular scheduled anti-establishmentisms. I don’t really believe in total chaos but it sounds like it might be a little bit of fun. I came to a few conclusions about how silly we as people can be. Like the idea of humans being able to coexist peacefully in a symbiotic society. That’s really fucking rich (Good place to plug Lynn’s blog and mention people who don’t wear pants). You really have a better chance of seeing me tuck my dick between my legs and doing the “Buffalo Bill” dance. Don’t get this shit confused either, I HAVE done that dance on numerous occasions. Sure, I never hunted down fat chicks and made a suit out of their flesh, but truthfully that is just because I’m lazy. I could totally dig that gig. I’ve never really worn makeup either. I had to dress up like a chick when I was pledging a fraternity (names and places to be kept a secret lest the guys start weeping uncontrollably), but I half-assed that too. I guess I half-ass everything, accept playing the outfield. I take that very seriously. If there is a fly ball within my reach, I am going to catch it. And if there is a remote chance that I will have to dive for it, I am diving. Actually, I just dive for everything. This is going to be a completely off the wall rant I suppose, not one sentence has fit in with the rest.
I know you have all been upset with me. You wonder where I have been for a week. I apologize, last night I was going to blog, but right before I started, I decided to punch Rihanna in the face. I may be confusing myself with Chris Brown. BUT I do have some Grammy thoughts for you!
1. Chris Brown knocked Rihanna the FUCK OUT before the show and they had to cancel their appearance. Suddenly we have this generations Ike and Tina! If only R. Kelly was there to piss all over everyone, and then Michael Jackson ran out, gave everyone Jesus Juice and then molested everything in sight. I’m not advocating beating up women. But I am making jokes about Rihanna getting her ass kicked. There is no way that girl couldn’t just squeeze that guys head till it popped with her big ass birthing hips and her tree trunk thighs. She makes Beyonce look like a 70’s supermodel with those things. I’m still waiting for the Keebler Elves to come running out of her thighs.
2. Robert Plant took his “I really wanna fuck that folk chick” gig to the next level. He had to record an album, go on tour, blow off Led Zeppelin, and win best album. Hopefully he finally banged Alison Krauss last night. I really hope so, because that album makes me want to cut off my own face. Do you know anyone that is listening to that “Raising Sand” album? Come on, be honest, because if you admit to thoroughly enjoying that lite-fm crap I hereby sentence you to one week of being locked in a padded room with Slayer blaring and nothing but a rusty butter knife to play with. As for Alison, I can’t decide whether I would have put that effort in. Remember Bob Plant was in a band that was notorious for jamming dead fish into groupies vaginas. It’s not like he needed the help getting laid, although he kinda looks like one of Joe Biden’s sperm at this point, I still think he could have just gotten her drunk and played the “aging rocker card”. If she was that tough a nut to crack then she is definitely not worth it. And for what it is worth, my plan to become a movie star and bang Elisha Cuthbert (yes Mr. Avery I will take your sloppy seconds) was much more realistic being that I am not one half of the worlds greatest songwriting duos.
3. Thom Yorke of Radiohead is one creepy looking dude. I understand that you guys want to be completely different than everyone else, but um Thom, not only is your name weird, but so are you. I recommend a shave, a dentist, a louder microphone, some nicer clothes and a doctor. You are going to need a doctor to help you with those weird ass convulsions. For one split second there I though that you were mocking Jet Travolta and having a seizure. Don’t be a douche bag man. That’s just fucked up. “In Rainbows” is an awesome album, but like the last few Radiohead albums I have trouble relating to that stuff live.
4. M.I.A is not a hero, nor a role model for appearing last night in that weird ass dress. If you are 9 months pregnant, and about to pop at any second, go lie the fuck down. What the hell did she prove last night? She had backing vocals behind her anyway and she was off badly. I don’t blame her for being off, because there was NO way she was going to keep her breath during that performance. I can’t remark on the actual group performance, because like Radiohead, nothing was audible, including the rapping. That’s a slightly large problem considering that with Rap you sort of need to hear the lyrics. What I DID notice was that T,I., Jay Z. and Lil’ Wayne all had the same look on their faces when they saw M.I.A on stage…”I hope to FUCK that kid ain’t mine!!”
5. Speaking of Lil’ Wayne he was onstage a total of 653 times on Sunday night. Seriously. He was up there with the rolling butterball, and the inaudible rappers, did a duet with a honky, sang his outdated anti-bush song, creeped out my parents with his diamond teeth, sang “Mandy” with Barry Manilow, and lastly he fucked Alison Krauss on the green room floor after the show (thoroughly perplexing Bob Plant). Of all that, take a guess what my favorite Lil’ Wayne moment was? Nope, not Lieutenant Dan calling him LITTLE Wayne, but his acceptance speech for best rap album. Yes I can sum it up right here:
“ I would like to thank God, New Orleans, and you” as in the people who listen to him. That was it. Best. Speech. Ever.
6. Kid Rock sucks. And how can the Grammys actually nominate a guy who BUTCHERED not one but TWO classic songs. Do not our nations youth know of Warren Zevon or Lynryd Skynryd? HE’s a talented lad too. But that song is just broke. Doesn’t he have Hepititis C? Wait, do I have that? What does that do? I may have to google this one. There was this Thai hooker one time that smelled a little weird. OH this is a terrible place to make this assumption, but I have a new rule to add to my list of beliefs.
Fat Chick Pussies smell like Almonds.
Have I offended all of you yet? I wonder who will google this page and make me laugh. Some weird religious site linked one of my pages a few weeks ago. Whackos.
7. Barrack Obama has got to want to kill himself. After listening to that President of blah blah rattle on about how Obama needs to give money to their arts projects he has to be ready to throw the towel in. In the current economic crisis I was totally agreeing that the most important thing for all of us is a new set of glockenspiels at P.S. 461. The most hooked up President ever says he was “tired” of being cooped up in the White House after 3 weeks. I told you that a cool guy is not the answer. We need a total tool box…somebody call Rob Siegelbaum quick!
8. Did you see me playing drums for Paul McCartney? I’m such a fucking stud. It’s times like these…
9. Hopefully the song “Sweet Caroline” is done FOREVER. It was like people were in shock to actually SEE Neil Diamond. What you didn’t know he was a goofy looking old man? Did you know that Bernie Madoff got to him too? I know the grammy people totally expected the biggest singalong EVER but they forgot that people in Boston sing that song, and everywhere in the world is cooler than Boston. And Neil, thanks for mailing it in by literally speaking the entire song. We could have hired Shatner and he would have donated to music cares just for the opportunity.
10. Alex Rodriguez took steroids. REALLY? The witch hunt moves into year 4 without one significant Red Sox player. The media just protects that city relentlessly. For the record, I could care less, obviously we just proved that steroids can’t get a hit in the post season. Who cares? I would like the other 103 names though. Actually the list will be like 95 with 8 names mysteriously removed and oddly no Red Sox on the list. Pretty soon David Tyree will be accused of having a helmet with Krazy Glue on it.
If you offered me 25 million for one year, I would neuter myself with a koosh ball. So the answer is for 10 years and 250 million? I would inject myself with my cousins lipo-fat if that’s what it took. So fuck it, let Barry go and please stop this horse shit already.
A short one today. Because Chellee Bishop asked for one, Jen Eva is confused (forgive her she is blonde), Michelle Sarinelli has been sleeping over, and Janine Rufino is crazy. Oh and Amy, you got a really nice comment the other night, so I don’t have to mention you. But I just did anyway.
Out all night, till the break of dawn,
Once again you know you’ve done somebody wrong, yeah you did, babe,
And you know you’re gonna get what’s due,
One of these days it will all catch up to you
Chorus:
When it comes, its the big payback,
Don’t you know its the big payback
Broken hearts, you know you’ve made quite a few, yeah you did, babe,
Runnin’ around is all you want to do,
Livin’ fast, you say you never gonna stop runnin’,
One of these days, Mama, you’ll get whats comin’
Chorus:
When it comes, its the big payback,
Don’t you know its the big payback
Time will come for the big payback,
Don’t you know, its the big payback,
I tell you time’s gonna come for the big payback,
Don’t you know its the big payback
Big payback,
Big back,
Big payback,
Big payback
Why not choose a snowy steamy night to talk about my biggest fear in life. I first noticed the large population of Michelles attacking me from all angles a few years ago. I never really thought much of it, but lately I have noticed that the Michelles have started to grow in numbers, and they seem to be getting stronger by the minute. The apocalypse is supposed to be coming in 2012, but I know better. The Michelles are going to take over the world much sooner. They are going to enslave us all and infect us with a weird penile disease. Even if you are a woman, if you are not named Michelle, you are going to have a penis attached to you and then you will be boiled alive in a humungous vat of pea soup. To add insult to this, all of the women with attached penises will be dead and all of the Michelles will impregnate themselves with the sperm of the men remaining to try and create a SUPER race of Michelles. Do you think I am insane? They plan to use the male babies for sustenance and name all of the girls MICHELLE. When they run out of men for sperm, they will breed males and name them MICHEL! But they will keep them enslaved and use rubber bands attached to their nipples to trap them. When they are of age, they will be milked and their sperm will keep the Michelles in power for eternity.
“You think that you can stop us, but we have recruited the greatest Michelles of all time to help further our cause” claims Michelle Sarinelli. “I will eat your heart and devour your soul while building a giant statue of a Michelle in Central Park.”
I can’t even imagine how much pain and torture will be caused by the Michelles. They really believe that they are capable of world domination. “I am prepared to use my body to achieve whatever goals are necessary, I answer to the one true lord of us all, Michelle Wood” exclaims Michelle Iacovella Bishop with her completely unpronounceable maiden name. “Don’t mock me, I will no longer even NEED to possess a surname! I will just simply be a Michelle, a perfect representation of the anarchy that we call our NEW SEXUAL WORLD ORDER"!!”
I did get a few words out our new world leader, Michelle Wood who happens to be quite the charmer and somehow managed to convince me that being ruled by hot chicks named Michelle wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
“I don’t know why Chellee has decided to sexualize everything, she tends to be such a pervert” Michelle exclaimed, “but I do know that we want to make the world a better place, one of peace, harmony and metal chick belts.”
If you think all of this is some sick joke, maybe you should think twice. What is the First Lady’s name? Oh, you aren’t laughing anymore are you? I have successfully lobbied myself into the enviable position of Leader of Sperm Donors (because my name is close!). I shall help in impregnating all the Michelles who will be taking over the world. So whether you are a Wood, Iacovella, Bishop, Berry, Christian, Christou, Berry, Sarinelli, Pisano, Manicone, Moran, Mastrolacasa Caravella (DUDE! That’s LONG!!), or Lakefield (I’m going to friend her…I need to get on their good sides); you will all be happy to know that I will oblige to the Michelle World Sexual Order.
I wish I could help Janine Rufino out with her man problems, but simply put, I can’t. And Jen Eva just called me and asked how much it would cost to change her name to Michelle. I have no idea. I called Amy and asked her what the legal ramifications are.
“Well, I have no idea! Why would I know about name changes? I’m a lawyer not a Jehovah’s Witness!” she claims.
I’m not sure why she felt the need to tell me she wasn’t a Jehovah’s witness.
Since this post has already deteriorated into one of those posts that get skimmed through and no one reads because they have no idea what I’m talking about…I would like to welcome Perseo Negri to Facebook. I am not even remotely convinced that he is actually writing things (it’s total Jessica shenanigans), but it is still a pleasure to welcome a man that not only beds Earth’s Hottest Woman 2007 and 2008, but someone who managed to defile a woman who is not only in print ads, but makes sexy pictures in Maxim. Oh, let’s post her pic to show how hot she is and make Jess mad for ever showing me this. As he reads this welcome, Perseo is being bathed by 15 beautiful Greek Women wearing nothing but grape leaves over their privates. I know this because he sent me a picture just to piss me off.
—————————————————————————————
Do I really need to touch on the Super Bowl or the damned commercials? OK fine, Doritos wins hands down for best commercials. I will post them both because I’m such a nice fucking guy. The first one was funny because I totally saw the break the machine joke. I didn’t however foresee the “hit the boss in the balls joke”. That’s always funny. Hitting people in the balls is completely hysterical. In fact I’m going to post the video of people getting hit in the balls too. This was made popular by my wonderful Cousin Anthony who did a great job of embedding it on his MySpace page years ago. Of course MySpace is for crack whores and fat idiots now, and people who name themselves “The American Dream”. All this is coming from the guy who has a picture of the stuffed Pee and Poo as his profile pic, so who am I to talk. BTW I am coming up on 250 friends. #250 gets to rub me in baby oil and tickle me with feathers. Hopefully it’s a woman because I would get a little creeped out by a dude! Actually, I could go to 250 at any time. Those people that have their pages come in and out piss me off. And one quick shout out to the only person to openly delete me and get caught, Meredith Ring!
There was a game? Shit, I forgot. Not the Eagles played against Not the Eagles. It was an OK game. But we all need to stop blowing the Steelers. They should have killed that team. And they still almost lost. You can’t let a 300 pound guy run 100 yards with no time on the clock. And you can’t take 40 million penalties. Come to think of it, at least Al Michaels said it when he said XLII was a better game. Too many damned penalties and sloppy plays. And not ONE mention of Brett Favre by John Madden?
BUT! the most stunning event of the super Bowl (No not the mundane Springsteen performance), EASILY was the unsuspected hotness of Brenda Warner. Holy crap did she look good. The long hair made such a difference, and she has a pretty nice rack to go with it. I am totally floored. I suddenly had rooting interest in the game. I wanted to see more of her, just to make sure. But then of course that IDIOT Ben Jerkofflessberger has to go down the field and ruin it. I was so happy when Larry split the defenders and uncorked that TD. I thought we might get Brenda drenched in champagne. Maybe she would even give up her faith and take on the whole team! OK, that was uncalled for, but let’s be honest, Anna Benson ruined it for all of us. Sorry Brenda, sorry God.
So let’s do a quick recap:
1. Michelles are taking over the world.
2. Perseo is on Facebook and totally doing everyone.
3. Jessica is the BEEF MISTRESS. The timing on that couldn’t be any better. How many hot chicks do you know called “The Beef Mistress”?
4. I look like Dave Grohl which makes me Jen Eva’s pet passion.
5. Stacy is a serious contender for 2009 Hottest Woman Alive.
6. I never understand a WORD Michelle Sarinelli says.
7. Doritos rules because they expose women in nylons. And that Career Builder commercial will cause a seizure. I mean isn’t it funny enough that there are NO jobs out there, yet Monster and CB spent MILLIONS with their stupid ads?
8. Justin Tuck is a Schmuck. LOL. Ballet commercials? In 3-D? And Ray Lewis, that was not expected from the Baddest Man Alive.
9. Yay Steelers…or who gives a fuck?
10. Little Steven needs to brush his teeth.
Is that good? Huh? Cause if it ain’t I’m gonna come in there and break your other arm!!
OK, I’m out!
Anyone renting their house by chance?
Love ya,
Moo Shu Pork Guy.
Anthony works in the grocery store
Savin’ his pennies for someday
Mama Leone left a note on the door,
She said, "Sonny, move out to the country"
Ah, but workin’ too hard can give you
A heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack
You oughta know by now…
Who needs a house out in Hackensack?
Is that all you get for your money?
And it seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama, if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
Ohhh-ho, Oooh-hoo, Uh-huh, Mmmm-mmm
Sergeant O’Leary is walkin’ the beat
At night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mister Cacciatore’s down on Sullivan Street
Across from the medical center
Yeah, and he’s tradin’ in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack
You oughta know by now…
And if he can’t drive with a broken back
At least he can polish the fenders
And it seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama, if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
Ohhh-ho, Oooh-hoo, Uh-huh, Mmmm-mmm
You should never argue with a crazy mind-my-my-my-my-my
You oughta know by now…
You can pay Uncle Sam with overtime
Is that all you get for your money?
And if that’s what you have in mind
Yeah, if that’s what your all about
Good luck movin’ up, ’cause I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
Mmmm-hmmm, Oooh-hoo, Uh-huh, Mmmm-mmm
(I’m movin’ out)
Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on OBAMA
Take my hand and we’ll make it – i swear
Livin’ on OBAMA
–Bon Jovi (with some editing by me).
I’m officially doing this because I am calling out all of you Obama heads!! Come and get me. I want you all to comment on my blogs. I am still making fun of your Messiah!!
Come and get me. Obama!! I didn’t think it would be possible for one man to organize the single largest circle jerk of all time. I can’t believe a guy got elected who used TWITTER! This is total insanity. From my perspective I mentioned earlier that I liked the guy a lot, and that I despise Joe Biden. But this is getting ridiculous. Stop the Lincoln comparisons. Pick up a book about the Civil War and actually learn something. I mean I can understand how amazing it is to see how far we have come, but I think it’s more amazing that it took this long. Let me clear a few things up here for you Obama heads and be sure to read carefully and not let his semen drip onto your keyboards while you read this.
- Obama is of mixed race. It is amazing that this fact is completely lost. THAT is the best thing about him. He sees it from multiple angles. It’s not like he grew up slinging crack in the inner city though. I have no idea what it means to be truly urban, and my guess is that neither does he. Please don’t applaud the white people for seeing beyond race though. When we elect Wesley Snipes we can talk. I take nothing away from Mr. President but there is a ton of people acting like the only thing that matters about him is his skin. Yes it is important that we understand the magnitude, but I bet if you cut the dude he would bleed red (insert blue blood lizard skinned freaky fucker Joe Biden joke here). He needs to prove his worth as a President, and if he doesn’t we need to be careful not to call his critics racists. And besides, can he even dunk? How many Presidents could dunk?
Mixed Race…Dude. Hot. Period. I guess Barack is hot too?
- It’s historic, but let’s be honest here. It’s a fucking joke. 45 presidents and ONE was a Catholic, ONE is of African heritage. The rest are all pretty much the same. Seriously. Any women? Any Jews? Any Asians? Italians? Native Americans? Mind you with all this talk of how far this country has come, remember who the last social class to earn voting rights in the country was…Yup women. Hey check out what happened to pant-suit Hilldog and Hockey Mom Sarah Palin. Let’s not jump up and down and say this country has turned the corner. We still are littered with problems. And before you leave me a party pooper comment, remember I banged your mom. Hey I’m glad we saw through race, but MY GOD is his political career even going to be scrutinized?
- Don’t preach the evils of media involvement and then suck Obama’s dick. He manipulated the masses better than any candidate in history. Quoting CNN isn’t going to help your cause either. Ditto with Fox News. Find me something buried in the depths of the bowels of the Internet and I will fellate you. Not even die hard numbers can be trusted anymore.
- I have friends losing their jobs left and right. This guy hasn’t even addressed the important shit yet. Spending your first full day in office worrying about Harold and Kumar in Guantanamo isn’t giving me a boner. Tell me how we are going to redirect money from the greedy pigs in this country to the process of job creation. Particularly the medical industry which is starting to make cutbacks because they know they will be under fire. How about cutting your massive salaries instead of laying off the hard working people that put that cash in your pocket. And nationalized health care isn’t the answer, I’m not going to a doctor with no incentive, it makes for bad medicine. Cheaper healthcare IS. There is nor reason why I pay $6,000 a month for 8 peoples health care plans. I pay 80% of this too, so lay the fuck off of me with your poor huddled masses bullshit.
BUT I do have major faith in the guy. I think he really loves his country. First and foremost that will be the start (because I just repeated myself three times). He can make a difference in this country. He will make a difference. He’s kinda cool too. And yes, it is a victory for Civil Rights. But then again, I’ve always looked at every human being as a total self centered scumbag so what is the difference?
So on to my new theory. I have been all wrong yet again. This makes it like seven times in my life. Obama is not just the President and leader of the free world. He is not only going to make all Europeans get circumcised and make sure the filthy “football” players keep their dicks out of our cheerleaders. He is the funniest man alive. Between his name, his WWE voice, his overplayed rhetoric (good job eating that up people), and the Vice-Lizard it is really an amazing time. So without further ado, I bring you my funniest idea EVER. I hereby declare that ALL good movies be remade and President Barack Obama shall star in all of them! I’m all for a Broadway musical called OBAMA too (trust me, ask me for the song someday). For now I give you my movie ideas:
1. Obama’s Day Off – Barrack decides that life in the White House is way too hard and he needs a day to himself. Sporting a George Bush mask, and a cardboard cutout of Matthew Broderick, he sets out to pick up Half Dead Joe and hit the big city…his hometown of Chicago. There the wackiness ensues as Blagojevich chases the big man all over town trying to sell the Presidency. Via Twitter updates, Michelle Obama finds out and gets really jealous so she grabs her Laura Bush mask and sings Funky Cold Medina on a float outside the White House! Meanwhile Scarlett Johansson shows her tits! An instant classic.
2. The Karate Obama—Obama is strolling around D.C. one night when Billy Zabka shows up and beats the shit out of him. Determined to get revenge for the atrocity, Obama goes to see the one man who can teach him to win the All-County D.C Tournament: The originator of Shaq-Fu, Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq teaches Obama to rap about McCain eating his ass and the wonders of the crane kick. After getting his leg swept by Rudy Giuliani the semi-finals, Shaq uses his mystic hand rubbing thing on Bam’s leg!
3. Teen Obama—Scott Howard has a secret. During school hours he is Michael J. Fox. But when the lights snap on in the basketball gym, he becomes: BARACK OBAMA! He can dunk, he dribbles, he shoots, he scores. When Jason Bateman goes to college and wants to join the only college boxing team in the world, HE turns into Barack Obama. Barack knocks out the SAME white guy in BOTH movies. Starring Michelle Obama as Boof, and Scarlett Johansson as the hot chick who Barack wants to fuck but knows he can’t because Michelle will cut his balls off.
4. Back to the Obama—The Reverend Wright has invented a time machine! Only Barack Obama can go back in time and stop the Libyans from using a dated reference to 80’s political culture. Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi breaks in his acting chops as Biff Tannen and chases down Obama as he tries to free President Reagan from the sexual clutches of Lea Thompson. Meanwhile Obama sees Joe Biden who not unlike Doc Brown, looks EXACTLY the same as he does 30 years later. Meanwhile, Reagan teaches Obama the trademark Voodoo Economics and Barack decides that when he returns he will just ignore the countries problems and just commission yet another horrible Springsteen album. Hilarity ensues.
5. Better Off Obama—Obama needs to fix his Camaro. His girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson just started banging Ted McGinley and it’s really pissing him off. The new girl next door, Michelle Obama (who happens to have the same last name because I don’t feel like googling her maiden name) pretends not to speak English because she is living with Ted Kennedy who is trying to drive her off a bridge. They all enlist Booger to make a bunch of cocaine jokes and Michelle fixes the Camaro just in time to outrun Vin Diesel and Paul Walker masquerading as stereotypical Chinamen. In the end, Barack skis by Ted McGinley and wins the race , the girl and the chance to tell Scarlett to fuck off.
6. The Breakfast Obama—Obama gets in trouble for making fart noises in class and is sent to detention. What he finds on that fateful Saturday is a motley crew of students with nothing in common. George W. Bush, Judd Nelson, Michelle Obama, Jimmy Carter, Sarah Palin, and the band Motley Crue must bring themselves together as one giant blob and defeat the evil principal. Along the way they discover that underneath Hillary Clinton’s pantsuit is the most busted and tattered vagina of all time. After burying her in a ditch behind John Cusak High School, the group decides that if Hillary was their wife, they would jam cigars in interns privates too. Hilarity ensues as Sarah Palin sees her wild side and blows all the guys, George Bush does the truffle shuffle, and Motley Crue does a bunch of Smack and gets Michelle and Sarah to strip for them.
7. Weekend at Obama’s—It’s the President’s very first trip to Kennebunkport Maine (I am just waiting for Chris Rock’s big rant about a Black man in Maine BTW) and Camp David. The only problem for the Obama family? Joe Biden is DEAD! The country hasn’t figured it out for 6 months but now it is getting really sticky. Plus his corpse is starting to stink! Bam and Michelle must prop the old fart up and make sure his bad plug job doesn’t fall out. George Bush shows up and has his best ever conversation with Joe Biden, gets hammered and hits the town with the corpse. Meanwhile Scarlett Johansson appears and rides Joe’s rigor mortus lizard dick to a sticky finish herself. While all this is going on, Jonathan Silverman is trying to convince Obama that he and his sister are DIFFERENT people. No one believes the stupidity of that, and finally everyone understands that Jonathan is fucking Matt Damon.
Here is the challenge now. I need movie posters for this stuff. I am going to take this on the road with Shotgun Willie. I can’t write and make photo shopped Obama posters. But this would be so much funnier with Obama posters. So could one of you lame hippie liberals see into the joke and photo shop some posters for me? I will take you on Stern with me when Baba-booey calls me.
Wow an entire column without mentioning Amy, Chellee, Jen Eva, Stacy or Jessica?
I don’t want to be crippled and cracked
Shoulders, wrists, knees and back
Ground to dust and ash
Crawling on all fours
When you’ve got to feel it in your bones
When you’ve got to feel it in your bones
Now I can’t climb the stairs
Pieces missing everywhere
Prozac painkillers
When you’ve got to feel it in your bones
When you’ve got to feel it in your bones
And I used to fly like Peter Pan
All the children flew when I touched their hands
They say you’ve got to feel it in your bones
They say you’ve got to feel it in your bones
Now I wanna be a good boy I don’t wanna be bad Now I wanna run away from home Now I wanna be on my own. I just wanna be a good boy I don’t wanna be bad Now I wanna be sad alone Now I wanna be all alone Now I wanna be on my own.
– The Ramones
I had to tag that song just like last time. Apparently the smokin’ hot actress Jennifer Anne Eva (I made up her middle name since all women have the middle names Anne, Lynn, Beth, Cathleen, or Margaret…umm yeah), she thought that I was writing poems in this blog. Nope, I fully admit to having ripped off all of my blurbs from the good artists of yesteryear (See Video of God Below). And there was that time that I fingered all of the Jonas Brothers and auctioned off that rubber glove on EBay. I got more money for that than from that liverwurst with the image of Jesus on it, of course I wish I still had it because if I did, I would totally claim the image was of Barrack Obama and make so much dough it would be crazy.
Dude, Come on and watch the man do his thing!
I have been so desperately trying to keep the personal stuff out of here, and I nearly set a personal record for most hits two weeks ago. It seems as though people were interested in my bullshit way to start a blog. Two things must have turned them off: 1. I have a filthy mouth (but a pretty pecker) and 2. I used a dreaded Microsoft program. Now seriously, I have to tell you. If you use a Mac you are one of the following:
1. You suck. No seriously. You are a total fucking loser. You actually start to masturbate when you see those stupid commercials. You have one mouse button and think it is super cool. Your dad used to molest you as a child and as a result you believe in a national healthcare system and a quick exit from Iraq. Oh wait, that would be hippies. Well, all hippies are Mac users. I’m generalizing here, but I will go back to my first point. YOU SUCK. Don’t give me this POWER web user bullshit either, because if you were one of those complete douche bags you would jerking your dick to Linux message boards. You guys can really go sniff some dick. Your sister is hot though, I would totally smurf the fuck outta her. DUDES NSFW!!!
2. You edit photography or video for a living. I’m cool with that. Even though only a small percentages of you use your Mac for work. The rest of you hang out with your hippie Art-fag friends and make lame youtube videos spoofing “Where’s Waldo?”.
Want to be a real man? Video yourself using a cheap ass Flip Mino and edit it with one of those lame background songs. In fact if you were really cool, you would get video of Nick getting laid so we can watch it at lunch. On second thought, avoid the last thought entirely. If you don’t know who Nick is shame on you.
3. You think you are hip. In this case go fuck yourself and read number one. Assholes. More than likely you are a 12-28 year old who hasn’t realized yet that you will never lose weight, never have clear skin, and NEVER get the feeling of the large fleshy object between your legs thrusting into a wet moist hole (cantelopes don’t count sally. I’m talking about a WOMAN). Let me point out that even though I use windows, I still think Vista sucks, don’t use IE and only use office because I took classes in it. You can take your shitty iLife crap and caress it while daddy goes for a double on you.
4. You thought your iPod would work better with a MAC. This makes you a fanboy and you can see #1 as well. If you like to make “Indie-Music” then you are just as much of a tool. Do you know why you didn’t get signed to a major label? NOOOOO…not because Simon Cowell doesn’t understand you…because your music sounds like 3 sheep getting fucked by chainsaws. And lyrically you blow squirrels too. Oh and your cover of Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” is the worst thing ever. Yes, I have an iPod. Yes it is probably the single greatest gadget ever…but I’m not about to switch to a Mac to celebrate.
That was for those of you that wanted an angry rant. I’m curious though why everyone is off to see the wizard lately. Is there some stupid hidden Twilight meaning in all of this?
—————————————————————————————
So I went to get my haircut the other day. It was a nice little shop just over by the 206/80/Whatever that other road is circle. It was called Michelle’s I think. The nice lady told me to have a seat and that’s when things got really weird. She took her scissors and started to cut open the buttons of my shirt. She began to run her fingers through my hair. Then she took a rubber strap and tied me to the chair. She bit me. She yelled at me. She painted highlighted my hair. She took a ball gag out and then kicked me in the face. All this time she was yelling at me…In Italian. Then she ball gagged me and proceeded to tickle me with a wet feather. Then she wheeled me into the back and injected me with ecstasy and started to read children’s books to me. She kept telling me that we were meant to be together and that I was destined to worship her feet forever (I hate feet man!). Then she tattooed her name on my nuts. I can’t even pronounce it. It’s completely insane. Don’t go to that place. She friended me on Facebook and I had no choice but to accept her. She sends me nude pictures of her neighbors grandfather now. DO NOT cross the Chester border on Route 206 for any reason. People from Roxbury are totally insane.
OH yeah, this was the place where I was going to list some really cool new stereotypes that I decided were true. Including two that I pulled completely out of my ass!!
1. People with that long second toe are completely fucking insane. If you couple this with narrow, flat feet you have a bonafide psychopath. Avoid these people at all costs. That toe is so unholy that I believe that the mere UNION of these people will bring about the downfall of Earth. If there ever was a case for genocide, I fully believe it should be people with that obnoxiously long second toe. You are all thinking about it. You all KNOW some flatfooted long toed freak who causes mass hysteria every time they are near. The women are even worse, because that stupid toe is always sticking out, hanging over the ledge of their shoes, ripping their stockings or tights. They literally have to go up a shoe size because of that thing. Look, it’s simple, if they have a corrective surgery available for something it is a good bet that it is a DISEASE. We either gather them up and drop these screwballs on an island (my apologies to the lepers) OR we force them to get the surgery and sterilize them. Stop the gene from spreading!
2. Lots of wrinkles on your hand means that you were born premature. This might actually be true, but I totally pulled it out of my ass last week and completely fooled my number one mama Jessica (2006,2007,2008 Hottest Woman Alive winner). I am not looking this one up, someone else can do the damned fact checking. It isn’t like I work for Men’s Vogue over here. And come to think of it who the HELL reads Men’s Vogue. Two things I will never do, shove something up my ass and read Men’s Vogue (look if I go to jail I guess I’m blowing the biggest nasty motherfucker there and playing bitch for a while). So there is no facts to this at all EXCEPT…Jessica has wrinkly palms AND was premature. So I’m going with my new findings.
3. The police in West Morris County are all complete BALL-LICKERS. Yes I know some of you might get mad, but these are MY personal prejudices and you all just have to deal. Come to think of it, everything west of Morristown should be excised from the Union. I’ve seen more creepy shit in the area west of Motown than I did at 4 A.M in the underbelly of London (let me get to that some other time, all British people are FUCKED up). There is this huge lake in the middle of the area and while some areas are nice, I could swear that I was in the middle of Friday the 13th remake when I drove around. A great tip here would be to just stay to Morristown and North, South and East of it. SCREW the west. In fact wasn’t that where the wicked witch was from? Do you want to fuck with flying monkeys?
4. Japanese people are fucked up. Did I say this once before? I love sushi, I would DIE to see Tokyo. But they have some SERIOUS sexual perversions. Seriously, did you ever think that you would see women pouring eels into their asses? And now that I mentioned that, do any of you feel shocked by the fact that the women are Japanese? Call them the ballsiest fuckers on the planet. By the way, guy puts out an add in the paper to eat a penis. Like he wants to cut someone’s dick off and eat it with them. Of course a guy answers the ad, lops off his cock, fries it up and dines with his new bud, and drops dead. Guess where this story comes from? Yup, Roxbury. No just kidding. People are so sensitive. They were Chinese in this instance.
For shits and giggles I have completed this weird face book note for all of you to see. If this takes you back to the overly childish MySpace days well good for you! I will tag you later in a note so you all can play with yourselves.
Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs (or the + sign) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)
1. One time I crapped myself after eating J.P Lee’s (R.I.P!!). We went straight to Wal-Mart and I stuffed my skids into a Prep H wipe box and stuck it in Sandy’s desk.
2. I saved a baby deer’s life once. His mother was hit by a car and he was in the street all alone. (That really wasn’t funny. But true)
3. Cixelsyd ylterces ma I (That took way too long to do. It’s not true either)
4. I will follow a woman around the mall all day if she is wearing nylons .
Sick I know.
5. I think I may have been responsible for the boofing joke in the 5th grade.
6. I am addicted to White Castle, but I avoid it. The only burgers I have ever craved are Jackson Hole, Fuddruckers and furburgers.
7. I nearly died in Cancun. I’m wondering if that is a stretch though. And why didn’t I get a disease there? I really wasted that trip.
8. If I could go back in time I would still make out with Wendi Green. I sure hope her husband doesn’t mind. Maybe I should tag her.
9. I should probably call Charlene once in awhile.
10. The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I sneezed and farted at the same time in class. And you are talking to guy who has a penchency for exposing himself here.
11.I secretly wish I had a rock hard body so I could score “blazers” and fight in MMA.
12. I really love Jennifer Dougherty. If her marriage to my brother doesn’t work out I’m disowning him and making her my sister. (Did you think something else? Gross…she has one of those toes.)
13. I make the same joke about my brother’s spare bed smelling like Alia ever week.
14. I can only get past half of Rock Band on hard. Half of that on expert.
15. I really hate this fucking list.
16. OK so maybe I DID stalk Jen Eva a little bit. But it is OK because she is pretty much nuts too.
17. I could coach any NFL team better than any ass out there now. I can also kick your ass at air hockey.
18. I waste all of my good thoughts on Twitter and then can’t find any good material.
19. If I die tonight it’s because I took a Skelaxin accidentally with Ambien (thought it was Zoloft), oh I’m on Zoloft because I refuse to admit I’m an unmotivated waste of life. BUT if I die, just paint my face and I will win an Oscar.
20. If I had a choice between saving your life and eating a burger, you are going to die.
21. When I was born, the doctor punched my mother.
22. I REALLY fucking hate the Philadelphia Eagles. I would rather get raped in hell then watch them win a Super Bowl.
UMMMMM……
23. I only look good in a black T-Shirt and jeans.
24. I can not stand how much I love my dog!!
25. Stacy, Stacy, Stacy, Stacy (I put that in for Amy)
I’m not writing anymore. Phooey on me.
Love always,
The guy.
Well it seems like I’m caught up in your trap again
And it seems like I’ll be wearin’ the same ol’ chains
Good will conquer evil and the truth will set you free
And I know someday I’ll find the key
Then I know somewhere I will find the key
Well it seems like I’ve been playin’ the game way too long
And it seems the game I played has made you strong
Well when the game is over, I won’t walk out the loser
And I know that I’ll walk out of here again
And I know someday I’ll walk out of here again
But now I’m trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeah yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeahhh!
Now it seems like I’ve been sleepin’ in your bed too long
And it seems like you’ve been meanin’ to do me harm
But I’ll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me
And someday I’ll walk out of here again
Yeah I know someday I’ll walk out of here again
But now I’m trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeah yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeahhh!
Now it seems like I’ve been playin’ your game way too long
And it seems the game I played has made you strong
Because I’m trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeah yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeahhh!
I’m trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeahhh!
Trapped! Ooh yeah!
Trapped! Ooh yeahhh!
I’m trapped
